Herpes Virus Found on Library Copy of “Fifty Shades of Grey”

Maybe the title should be Filthy Shades of Grey. Two professors who wanted to make a splash in their fields of bacteriology and toxicology came up with a novel idea: Analyze the gunk on the covers of the ten most borrowed library books in Antwerp, where they are based.

While all ten of the books came up positive for cocaine, the yuckiest discovery was the mommy-porn hit Fifty Shades of Grey (which I haven’t read, because really who need to put up with a widdle virgin being whipped into a love-filled frenzy while being ass-sarded and spanked by a guy with serious psychological damage who bases his neckwear collection on his last name?). The book has herpes. So not only should you wear condom while trying out the stunts in the book, you need latex protection just to read it.

Supposedly, according to the professors, the virus trace was so low as to not produce a public health risk. And frankly, by adulthood in the United States, 70% to 90% of people are seropositive, that is have antibodies, for herpes simplex virus 1 which causes mouth sores, meaning they have been exposed.  The study did not indicate whether the library virus was HSV1 or the genital version HSV2, for which 30% of the US population tests seropositive.  In Belgium, the numbers for HSV1, and lower for HSV2. But still, eeeuuuw.

All ten of the books tested positive for cocaine, though not enough to get you high, so forget about licking the covers for a rush (especially do not lick the cover of Fifty Shades of Grey!). Keep in mind that 90% of  US currency has traces of cocaine.

Regarding the gack found on the books, toxicologist Professor Jan Tytgat of the Catholic University of Leuven said

The levels found won’t have a pharmacological effect. Your consciousness or behaviour won’t change as a result of reading the tomes. Today’s testing methods are so sensitive that traces of the drug originating from a contaminated book will be found in your hair, blood and urine.

So checking out a popular book from a library in Antwerp could screw up your next drug test. And while the tin foilers may say

Oh this is a plot to keep us out of the libraries/make more money for books on tablet/keep us from reading

in reality it’s more of a cautionary tale suggesting we improve our minds with philosophy, social history and the classics which might be less germy.

And this also reminds us to wash our hands with good old fashioned soap and hot water! A study by Michigan State University found that 95% of Americans don’t wash their hands correctly after going to the bathroom, meaning long enough to kill bacteria, and one in ten don’t wash their hands at all, with men being the worst offenders.  And for bonus health, men should wash before and after urinating so they don’t hand off germs to their Johnson.  Two rounds of “Happy Birthday” or  one version of the alphabet rhyme using soap and water after using the toilet is recommended for food service workers – and the rest of us, too.

Fifty Shades of Grey is slated to be made into a movie, for release in 2015. Bring a disposable plastic seat cover for the theater.

Ender’s Game: Orson Scott Card Gets Even Crazier, More Hateful

Orson Scott Card is the homo-hatin’ author of Ender’s Game who is also a producer of and presumably profit-taker from the eponymous film due out in November from Lions Gate.  He has proven himself to be an equal opportunist disliker of non-white people and a loony-toon nutter in this May 9, 2013 essay, originally published in something called The Rhinoceros Times. Card spins a paranoid (admitted) fantasy about Obama becoming a dictator, and at one point gets all sandy-pantied about

young out-of-work urban men

who he speculates will be recruited as Obama’s jackbooted personal militia:

Obama will put a thin veneer of training and military structure on urban gangs, and send them out to channel their violence against Obama’s enemies.

Instead of doing drive-by shootings in their own neighborhoods, these young thugs will do beatings and murders of people “trying to escape” — people who all seem to be leaders and members of groups that oppose Obama.

Card cloaks his racism and paranoia in speculation

 as a science fiction writer and a student of history

(because since he, like, studied history, he knows stuff) as he proceeds to spin what he calls a

a little thought experiment

involving Obama running Michelle Obama for President (one of his earlier columns in The Rhinoceros Times claimed that the First Lady’s appearance on the Oscars was a warm up for her 2016 run, so this is a recurring fear/theme for Card) so Barack Obama can stay in power forever as a Hitler-esque dictator who will put his young urban male troops in armored vehicles as they ride the streets enforcing Obama-laws against Obama-enemies.  Part of Obama’s power plan, according to Card:

Barack Obama needs to have a source of military power that is under his direct control. Like Hitler, he needs a powerful domestic army to terrify any opposition that might arise.

Obama called for a “national police force” in 2008, though he never gave a clue about why such a thing would be necessary. We have the National Guard. We have the armed forces. The FBI. The Secret Service. And all the local and state police forces.

Actually Obama called for a

civilian national security force that is just as strong and well funded…

and Salon points out the excerpt Card quotes was used by Obama

to describe how he’d “expand AmeriCorps to 250,000 slots,” “double the size of the Peace Corps,” and “grow our foreign service.” That was five years ago, and he actually failed to do it.

Orson Scott Card is a card-carrying, tin-foil-wearing wacko whose “speculation,” while unpleasantly crazy, is his to spew as he wishes. And his loathing of gays, anger over marriage equality, funding of NOM, and urgings to overthrow the United States government over marriage equality and liberal thought will be underwritten by any profits made from the film Ender’s Game, its merchandizing, and sequels. Card has written this following not as speculation:

Regardless of law, marriage has only one definition, and any government that attempts to change it is my mortal enemy. I will act to destroy that government and bring it down, so it can be replaced with a government that will respect and support marriage, and help me raise my children in a society where they will expect to marry in their turn.

Skip Ender’s Game.

H/T Back2Stonewall

Late Night: Armageddon Tired of this Mayan Apocalypse. Now Everyone’s Gone to the Movies. Or Santacon!

 

NASA continues to peer into the future, claiming that the world did not end on 12.21.12. We’ll address that on 12.22.12. If we’re here. Meanwhile, I got email from JP Sottile at newsvandal with whom I have an ongoing tinfoil millinery competition:

the real question is whether or not A.I. was a secret endorsement of the mayan apocalypse and if nasa is getting back at kubrick ex post facto? joel haley osment is the catalyst for a mayan ragnarok

Why would NASA want to get back at Kubrick? Well, pull out your tinsel top hat and settle in for what I put JP through the other night, bwhahhaha! Seems that, according to conspiracy theorist film geeks, while Kubrick was making 2001: A Space Odyssey, he was also faking the moon landing, and he felt so guilty about it that he later tipped everyone off in The Shining, if you can just find at the clues. And to make it easy for you, there’s a video that lays it all out. (It’s an hour long, so here’s the short TL/DW version):

 A.I. was originally developed by Kubrick beginning in the mid-1970s. Despite the growth in technology over the decades, Kubrick felt that neither computer generated effects nor child actors were good enough to portray the character of David, so he handed it over to Steven Spielberg in 1995, and it was only after Kubrick’s death in 1999 that the project gained momentum and was finally made. A.I. was released in 2001 with Haley Joel Osment as David.

 

Meanwhile, Martin Scorsese will be directing a documentary about Bill Clinton for HBO. Suggested titles:

Goodbubba
Hillary Doesn’t Live Here Anymore
New York! New York!
Last Temptation of Clinton
The President of Comedy

 

And once again Santacon took to the streets! This annual tradition, begun in 1995 in San Francisco, features  people in cities around the world dressing up as Santa and acting like slightly better-behaved Krampuses (Krampi?), thereby creating Santarchy.

Here’s a look at the first Santacon, a 39 minute mini-doc in glory days before TSA took away the airport fun, and their recent exploits in Los Angeles:

the East Village

and San Francisco

 

And if you love Santa, or sci-fi, on Monday December 24, we’ll be celebrating the 200th movie of Firedoglake Movie Night with Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, a special request from my producer Bev who is also the driving force (and heavy-lifter)  behind FDL Book Salons. You can watch the full version of Santa Claus Conquers the Martians FREE here.

 

Late Night: Rush Limbaugh Thinks New “Batman Dark Knight Rises” Movie Is Liberal Conspiracy

Rush Limbaugh has lost it. Completely. First of all he’s weeks behind TBogg who predicted the Batman Dark Knight Rises‘ villain being named Bane “it’s an attack on Mitt Romney” nutbaggery conspiracy. But with Glenn “Crazy Eyes” Beck banished to his own self-created ice prison of GBTV, someone had to take over the far right tinfoil concession. Check out this frothing rant:

Have you heard, this new movie, the Batman movie – what is it, the Dark Knight Lights Up or something? Whatever the name of it is. That’s right, Dark Knight Rises, Lights Up, same thing. Do you know the name of the villain in this movie? Bane. The villain in the Dark Knight Rises is named Bane. B-A-N-E. What is the name of the venture capital firm that Romney ran, and around which there’s now this make-believe controversy? Bain. The movie has been in the works for a long time, the release date’s been known, summer 2012 for a long time. Do you think that it is accidental, that the name of the really vicious, fire-breathing, four-eyed, whatever-it-is villain in this movie is named Bane?

Uh, Rush, Bane, the villain, has been around in the DC comic universe for longer than Mitt has contemplated running for President. Unless of course this eeeeeevil plot goes back at least as far as Obama being born wherever it is the whackjobs think he was born and secretly groomed as president in a bunker by commies. Or whatever the heck these lunatics believe.

A little research on the interwebs easily disproves the insane Bane theory, but then Rush et al, including Juggalos for Mitt Romney would have nothing to bitch about; there would be no Big Hollywood/Comic Book Company Conspiracy. And basically their whole concept falls apart if one simply looks at the history and the facts:

Bane first appeared in DC Comics’ Batman: Vengeance of Bane in 1993, and was a character in the 1997 Joel Schumacher-directed film Batman & Robin. Bain Capital Ventures was founded in 1984, with Mitt Romney as one of the founders. R-money retroactively retired from Bain in 1999,  was elected Governor of Massachusetts in 2002, and ran for President of the United States in 2008, and now  is the GOP nominee for the 2012.

So unless Chuck Dixon, Graham Nolan, and Doug Moench, the creators of Bane, the DC Comics villain, knew in 1993 through Top Sekrit Pacts with Demons and the arcane art of necromancy that Willard Mitt Romney worked for Bain and was planning to run for President with Bain Capital as an issue almost 20 years after they launched their criminal character, this whole conservative soggy bag of chips should be tossed.

Here’s more from Rushboob:

Anyway, so this evil villain in the new Batman movie is named Bane. And there’s now discussion out there as to whether or not this was purposeful, and whether or not it will influence voters. It’s going to have a lot of people. This movie, the audience is going to be huge, lot of people are going to see the movie. And it’s a lot of brain-dead people, entertainment, the pop culture crowd. And they’re going to hear ”Bane” in the movie, and they are going to associate Bain. And the thought is that when they start paying attention to the campaign later in the year, and Obama and the Democrats keep talking about Bain, not Bain Capital, but Bain, Romney and Bain, that these people will think back to the Batman movie –”Oh yeah, I know who that is.” There are some people who think it will work. There are some people think it will work. Others think — “You’re really underestimating the American people who think that will work.”

Uh, Rush, guess what: You’re the one associating Bane with Bain, you and your fellow fact-check-failing freakazoids. In fact you’re perpetuating the concept, one that most likely a vast number of your listeners wouldn’t have even noticed if you hadn’t brought it up, you blathering pile of hyperlipidosis. Maybe you are secretly a tool of the Vast Liberal Hollywood Conspiracy! Stuff that in your vat of HagenDazs and eat it!

Oh and P.S.: According the the dictionary “bane” means:

  1. A cause of great distress or annoyance.
  2. Something, typically poison, that causes death.

Synonyms include poison, venom, ruin, perdition, and curse.

TSA Wants to Sniff My Pie

The TSA is trying to defuse the “Don’t touch my junk” aspect of travel with a cuddly holiday  reminder, letting us know what’s cool to travel with: Leave the snow-globes, cranberry relish, gravies and salsas behind, unless you’re carrying under 3 ounces. But pies are fine. Wait — whut? Pies are okay?!

What are they thinking!?  Pies could be made with Paxo, and I don’t mean the British stuffing mix, but rather the old school Troubles version, potassium chlorate and paraffin, which can react pretty violently with sugar, an item found quite commonly on airplanes.

And that aside, pies are usually secured in metal pie pans and foil. Heck, I wrapped my precious pie safely to prevent heinous radiation damage (yes, the little man in the boat wears a tin foil hat to travel), though I knew was risking a frisking. So I guess TSA will just have to take a deep whiff to make sure my pie is cherry, pumpkin.


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