Texas Hits a New Low. Even for Texas.

Hornet Signs of Waco, Texas came up with this really tasteful truck decal of a bound woman in the truck bed. See, you like stick it on the tailgate and your fellow peckerwoods slap you on the back, exclaiming:

Sheeeee-yit, BradleyJoe finally figgered out how to git hisself a date. And she’s blond! Hey BradleyJoe, how kin she make us a sammich and git us sum beers with her hands all tied up?”

Oh yeah, that’s real knee-slapper.

The owner said the woman was actually an employee who posed for the photo which was then put on anther worker’s truck.

“It wasn’t our intent to make that the branding of our company but more of what could we do with it,” said Brad Kolb.

Kolb said he’s received a lot of complaints, but also a lot of orders too.

The decal was designed to show how realistic the company’s products can be. And because it’s really funny, right? What, you’re not laughing? What are you, some kinda liburel fimmininst?

At least not everyone in Texas thinks abduction is as amusing as Hornet Signs’ Brad Kolb:

Concerned and frightened citizens raised the alarmas the truck was spotted in traffic. Police were called, but there wasn’t a victim in the truck at all. Instead, what people believed they saw turned out to be a decal plastered on the tailgate of the truck for marketing company Hornet Signs.

Here’s Brad Kolb’s response. He feels bad that people got all sandy-pantied over his realistic decal, would like to donate to the Advocacy Center for Crime Victims and Children, and wants to make headlines not for making disgusting misogynistic decals, but for being part of the solution to violence against women and children. Oh and he’ll give even more money based on the number of Facebook likes he gets.

Conservatives Finally Realize Straight People Fuck. A Lot.

 

Pam Spaulding over at Pam’s House Blend brought up a discussion worth having:

While it’s about time that conservatives like Mary Matalin feel they can safely (as in, don’t feel intimidated about pissing off Rush) take marriage equality out of the sure-fire rallying cry, it’s interesting how easily she shifts blame for the ills of society on all of you heterosexuals out there fornicating and procreating out of wedlock.

On ABC This Week, Mary Matalin, the Republican strategist, had this to say:

People who live in the real world, say, the greater threat to the civil order are the heterosexuals who don’t get married and are making babies. That’s an epidemic in crisis proportions. That is irrefutably more problematic for our culture than homosexuals getting married. I find this important dancing on the head of a pin argument, but in real life, looking down 30 years from now, real people understand the consequences of so many babies being born out of wedlock to the economy and to the morality of the country.

Yeehah! The great state of Texas is certainly anticipating the birth pains of that epidemic moral and financial crisis.  By blocking $73 million from from family planning services, Texas made sure Planned Parenthood didn’t get any funding. (Because you know, along with providing general health care, men and women’s sexual health care,  STD testing, LGBTQ counseling, cancer screening, prenatal care, and birth control–Planned Parenthood also provides abortions, though the Planned Parenthood clinics in Texas receiving state funding did not provide abortions.  But Planned Parent still lost their Texas funding.) The thing is, with a population of 26 million, Texas has a lot straight people. And not all those straight people are married. And while some of those unmarried, straight people may be celibate and/or not of reproductive age, a whole lot of of them will be doing what Mary Matalin says:

Making babies.

Making babies out of wedlock and contributing to the economic and moral downfall of Texas! Millions of  straight Texans are going be having sex without birth control, lots more sex without birth control, because they now have lots fewer places to get birth control, because you, oh great state of Texas, cut off your noses to spite your faces and threw out the baby with the bath water.

Except that bathwater splashed back into your conservative laps,  and each little droplet is making another baby, and your noses are growing back longer and longer because you, oh legislators and people of Texas, are lying to yourselves when you think that denying access to birth control–be it condoms, pills, IUDS, morning-after pills–is gonna keep people from fucking. People fuck. It’s a fact of life (and let’s not forget that all that fucking without condoms can spread sexually transmitted diseases, ones like syphilis, gonorrhea, and chlamydia that have gotten so bacterially buff that they are harder and harder to cure, and require way more expensive antibiotics. Plus herpes, genital warts/HPV, Hepatitis C, and HIV/AIDS; the latter two are illness which can require escalating and expensive levels of care and medication, plus HPV can led to cervical, anal, and penile cancer. Yes, oh great men of Texas, PENIS CANCER. Because you banned Planned Parenthood.)

Here’s another lifetime issue that’s also expensive which comes from fucking: BABIES.

The latest Health and Human Services Commission projections being circulated among Texas lawmakers indicate that during the 2014-15 biennium, poor women will deliver an estimated 23,760 more babies than they would have, as a result of their reduced access to state-subsidized birth control. The additional cost to taxpayers is expected to be as much as $273 million — $103 million to $108 million to the state’s general revenue budget alone — and the bulk of it is the cost of caring for those infants under Medicaid.

Math is hard, but basically, by cutting $73 million to Planned Parenthood, Texas will now have to spend an additional $200 million underwriting the cost of caring for almost 24,000 unplanned babies. And then there’s the cost of medications for sexually transmitted diseases–Texas has the highest rate of uninsured Americans in the United States (and a woefully weak Medicaid system facing a shortfall), so really what will happen then? Will Texas celebrate the arrival The Great Satan in the form of Obamacare? Oh, the bitter irony….

Texas Democrat, Representative Donna Howard politely refrained from calling her more conservative colleagues dumb-asses:

I know some of my colleagues felt like in retrospect they did not fully grasp the implications of what was done last session. I think there is some effort, they’ll be willing to make to restore whatever we can.

Any restoration of funding to family planning would exclude Planned Parenthood, because even though they don’t provide abortions in Texas, they do elsewhere, and gol-dag-nabbit, Texas isn’t gonna help abortionists, even if they ain’t doin’ abortions in their state. Since a lot of politicians–or their constituents–seem to lump birth control, like condoms and pills in with abortion, it’s hard to say if any funding for family planning/birth control can be put back into the budget. Especially because, as Republican Senator Bob Deuel points out, Texas has a certain attitude:

I’ve debated this in Republican clubs with people — people who say it’s not the government’s role to provide family planning. Ultimately, they’re right. But you have to look at what happens if we don’t.

Babies happen. STDs happen. Penis cancer happens. Deuel should know–he’s a family physician. And just one more reminder, Texas: Straight people fuck. A lot. And that makes babies. Babies being born out of wedlock which will carry, per Matalin, consequences to the economy and to the morality of the country.

 

 

Rick Perry Gets Taste of Menstrual Blood on His Facebook

Texas governor Rick Perry’s Facebook page, tragically entitled Give Rick a Chance, is getting menstrual bombed, as dozens of women share their stories and ask his advice about PMS, birth control pills, hormone replacement and reproduction. Meanwhile, some supportive men have gotten in on the discussion.

Here are a few of the gems before his staff scrubs them. Feel free to join in before his staff blocks comments!

 

Pair of Rick Perry’s Chick Fans Rap Faint Praises

 

Wow, meet a couple of Rick Perry’s fans, Candy Rapper and Double K who are um..not talented. And seem to have some daddy issues about presidential candidate Rick Perry. Here’s sample of of why they think Rick Perry should be president:

Country boy with big town dreams

His interns wishing he would make them scream

A lean mean fighting machine

He suits are so neat and clean…

Perry, Perry bitches yo Perry

Granted, they claim they were bored in downtown and put together the rap in ten minutes. But honestly, it sucks. Planking? Really? Tragic. I kinda hope Perry uses it in his campaign though.

 

[HT: Uproxx]

God is Annoyed at Rick Perry. His Followers Soon May Be, Too

 

Nutbag-Christian logic states that when a natural disaster occurs, it’s cuz God is all mad and stuff at those people. Therefore, God must be pretty hot under the collar at Rick Perry and his constituents. Prayer at Easter didn’t work, Jesuspaloozah didn’t work, and the fires have gotten worse.

The only explanation is that God is gay. Gay, but not happy. At least with Perry.

His constituents may not be happy either, because now Gov Perry is saying “FEMA.” And gol durn it, that’s just un-American!

I do hope the wildfires are quickly controlled, because even though the folks of Texas voted for Perry, they shouldn’t have to suffer. Anymore than the people of Haiti, or North Carolina.

Late Night: Pigskin Parade’s Footballers vs. the Commie Comic Foil


Spoiler alert: Plot points revealed!

Pigskin Parade (1936) features Judy Garland as the perky and talented sister of Amos Dodd, a hick kid illegitimately recruited to a Texas university in order to beat Yale in the season’s big game.  There is a hitch, though. Dodd is a hillbilly melon farmer who has never gone to school (but he is a super talented harmonica player,  music runs in that family!). Amos doesn’t have his admission credentials in place, so the clever members of football frat Delta Delta Pi come up with a solution:
One of the transferring DDP  members, Herbert Terwilliger Van Dyke, has already declared his loathing of football, arguing that the sport is a capitalist plot designed by meat barons. (Van Dyke is played by Elisha Cook, Jr. who five years later would appear in a completely different role as  Wilmer the gunsel in John Huston’s The Maltese Falcon.)

Though an obviously wealthy nerd, H. Terwilliger Van Dyke–as he calls himself–has actually done jail time (two months in jail in New Jersey!) by turning against his class and putting his beliefs  into action.  As H. Terwilliger Van Dyke tells his Texan frat brothers, while attending the (fictional) East Coast Bradley University, he:

crashed a brick through the window of a bank. The capitalistic faculty at Bradley expelled me.

As seen in the video above, the stalwart Texans set up Van Dyke by pretending to support his

vital message to the collegiate youth of the nation,

published in his  manifesto, Youth vs Capitalism: A Militant Message to College Students so they use HTVD’s credentials to get Amos into school after the budding radical is arrested re-creating the New Jersey bank window crashing escapade while tossing around copies of his manifesto. Wow, the frat boys are outside agitators!

So let’s see, the football coach knowingly recruits an ineligible, illiterate talented football player while members of the team:

• encourage vandalism
• get a frat brother arrested
• perpetuate what today would be considered identity theft in order to enroll the ineligible and illiterate Amos Dodd (and his sister) in college so the team can win against Yale
• finagle funds to pay for the sibling’s tuition
• force a false identity on Amos’ sister Sairy Dodd (Judy Garland) in order to encourage Amos to participate in the ruse.

Wow. So Pigskin Parade basically is saying that it’s better to be an unethical college sports coach or simply malicious, deceitful and cruel than to be a Commie. God/s bless America!

Late Night: Children’s Book is Obviously Commie Propaganda

MarxPicture 12At first, it appeared that the Texas State Board of Education had made a mistake in banning the children’s book Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See?, written by Bill Martin Jr., from a proposal for the third-grade reading section. The Fort Worth Star-Telegram reports:

Board member Pat Hardy, R-Weatherford, who made the motion, cited books Bill Martin had written for adults that contain “very strong critiques of capitalism and the American system.”…

Hardy said she was trusting the research of another board member, Terri Leo, R-Spring, when she made her motion and comments about Martin’s writing. Leo had sent her an e-mail alerting her to Bill Martin Jr.’s listing on the Borders .com Web site as the author of Ethical Marxism.

A simple case of “The Internets, ur doin it worng?” Did similar names lead to the children’s book author being confused with a philosophy professor at DePaul University in Chicago who wrote Ethical Marxism? Or perhaps, there is something more sinister hidden in the words of Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See? and the school board made the right decision. Let us examine the opening passage:

Brown bear, brown bear, what do you see? I see a red bird looking at me.

Red bird, red bird, what do you see?

The bear is a symbol for the former USSR, a Marxist state. Red is the color that represented the USSR, hence the term “pinko” for American communist sympathizers. Obviously this is indoctrination.

The red bird then sees a yellow duck. Yellow is the color of cowards, and “duck” is not only a bird but a way to avoid a blow. The commies are seeing a coward! Is that any way to teach our children?

Later there is a frog! Yes, the French are in this book. And we all know about the French and their elitist semiotics and deconstructionist views. Why, there are no decent all-American animals in Brown Bear–just commies, cowards and elitists.


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