At least Obama has a sense of humor plus some timing and delivery, which is more than can be said about Rmoney, Frothy Santorum, the Gin Grinch, or Grandpa Ron Paul. Or for that matter, Sarah Palin who wooden delivery on the Today Show, coupled with her grating voice, and robotic repetition of

socialist policies

was tragic.  Fred Karger is funny and as a former actor  can deliver witty remarks, but MSM forgets he’s running.  Here’s what Obama said today:

REMARKS BY THE PRESIDENT

AT THE ASSOCIATED PRESS LUNCHEON

Marriott Wardman Park

Washington, D.C.

THE PRESIDENT:  Thank you very much.  (Applause.)  Please have a seat.  Well, good afternoon, and thank you to Dean Singleton and the board of the Associated Press for inviting me here today.  It is a pleasure to speak to all of you — and to have a microphone that I can see.  (Laughter.)  Feel free to transmit any of this to Vladimir if you see him.  (Laughter.)

Clearly, we’re already in the beginning months of another long, lively election year.  There will be gaffes and minor controversies, be hot mics and Etch-a-Sketch moments.  You will cover every word that we say, and we will complain vociferously about the unflattering words that you write — unless, of course, you’re writing about the other guy — in which case, good job.  (Laughter.)

New clever tune from a charming folk duo. The lyrics has words like

anal…jizz

and

Santorum

which may make this not safe for work.

Mitten$ Rmoney and Rick “Frothy” Santorum’s Secret Service code names–which the candidates chose themselves–reflect a certain cockiness and focus on their manliness, and in Romney’s case, a slight Oedipal overreach around. Rmoney’s code name “Javelin,” hypothesizes GQ which first reported the top sekrit pseudonyms,

is a reference to the ’60s muscle car made by American Motors Corporation, the company once run by George Romney.

Mitten$’ dad George ran for President in 1968, despite being born on foreign soil. And of course, javelins are long sticks thrown in track competitions, so the phallic symbolism is rather clear.

Rick Santorum chose an even more multi-layered named, “Petrus,” Latin for Peter, and translating to rock. Along from its popular meaning throughout the English speaking world as a slang term for “penis,” “Peter” is, of course, Jesus’ sidekick, his second in command, the “rock” on which Jesus wanted to build his church.

And I say also unto thee, That thou art Peter, and upon this rock I will build my church; and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it. And I will give unto thee the keys of the kingdom of heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.

Peter also famously denied Jesus three times, making him kind of a weasel, and proving that Jesus was psychic.

And he said, I tell thee, Peter, the cock shall not crow this day, before that thou shalt thrice deny that thou knowest me.

Choosing this nickname is pretty self-aggrandizing. Like, is Santorum saying he’s gonna be Peter as in Jesus’ best bud; and if elected, God help us all, build (his version) of Jesus’ church in America?

Ah, but there is a third even more secret meaning to Petrus: Château Pétrus is one of the world’s most expensive and lauded wines, hailing from a small estate in the Bordeaux region of France, with an average bottle price of $2,790, though prices for older bottles can easily rise to five figures.

So, elitist vintage? Jesus’ righthand dude deep in denial? Or just a dick?

Meanwhile, in response to “Game On,”–the execrably frothy Santorum singalong from teen sisters Camille and Haley Harris, who go by the name First Love Band — a 12-year old boy wrote this ditty and then directed the video himself:

A group of five twenty-somethings were removed from a Rick Santorum rally Friday at the Liberty Heights Christian Academy after chanting

Mic check! Mic check! Mr. Santorum!

while two men in the group began to kiss. The crowd booed at first then began to chant

USA! USA!

as the freedom of expressionators were led out by security. I’d like to think chanting our country’s initials was meant as a show of solidarity with the couple and their friends, since this is the land of the free, but it was a pro-Santorum rally, so sadly my optimism is misplaced.

I do think this could spawn a trend of straight/unmarried and LGBT couples–married or not– making out passionately en masse at any GOP rally. But minus the mic check to make it, like you know, more polite.

Heck, at a Fred Karger or Ron Paul rally such expression of freedom would be embraced; and at a Romney, Newt, or Santorum event, LGBT kissing should serve to remind the candidates that in America we have LGBT Republicans, while emphasizing to the other attendees that America is not like those nasty furrin ray-jeems that kill folks for being different. Why in his speech before the guys started kissing, Santorum was saying that America is an exceptional country. Time to prove it.

It is really tragic when the mouthpiece of conservatism’s fill-in host has uncovered that no one in the GOP is worthy of running. Today, Rush Windbag’s guest blatherer, Mark Belling, actually made sense when he basically said that no one running for the Republican nomination is qualified, though he cited some  reasons that only make sense to conservatives.

Along with pointing out Mittens is well, Mittens, it seems Newt must be cast off the island, because he supported Romneycare. Aside from his stance on business, Ron Paul is a

wingnut.

Yes, Belling called Ron Paul a wingnut! At that point I had to get out of the car, because I was at my appointment. But wow. And the hits keep coming. That frothy mixture of anal lube and feces, Rick Santorum said today:

If I finish dead last behind the pack I’m going to pack up and go home.

stating elsewhere that

If you want to send a message to the man, those are the folks that are the experts, the folks that are trying to shape this race….If you want to stick it to the folks who want to shape the debate and think they can tell you who you should pay attention to, as opposed to you who have been on the ground listening to all the candidates, this is where you step up and say, ‘No, you don’t get to decide…’

Then he went pheasant hunting.

Rick Perry,  the American Family Association, International House of Prayer, John Hagee, and other evangelicals declared August 6 a Day of Prayer and Fasting. The internets, doing what we do best, are rallying back, proclaiming today as a Day of Debauchery & Gluttony.

Perry’s purportedly unpolitical un-party will be at Reliant Stadium in Houston. Yours can be anywhere!

And as you celebrate with cake, sex, and beverages of you choice, moan

Oh god! Oh my god!

a few times–with some thoughtful fasting between bites–just so Perry can feel the burn, since only 8,000 people have RSVP’ed to the stadium which holds 71, 500. Even though it’s free. Because staying home and watching  Scarface and The Godfather on AMC or A Serbian Film on DVD, feasting and fornicating, once in while occasionally thinking

Golly, I hope our country’s problems get solved fast, so everyone can have this much fun all the time. Heck, I wish that for the whole world! I am just so darn grateful!

makes much more sense for America. Plus then there’s no need to shell out $15 for parking at Reliant Stadium. Here’s Perry’s proclamation:

Given the trials that have beset our country and world – from the global economic downturn to natural disasters, the lingering danger of terrorism and wars that endanger our troops in Iraq, Afghanistan and theaters of conflict around the globe, and the decline of our culture in the context of the demise of families – it seems imperative that the people of our nation should once again join together for a solemn day of prayer and fasting on behalf of our troubled nation.

Oh come, come, Rick! What this country needs is more can-do spirit! And there’s no better way to express that fundamental desire than the pursuit of life, liberty and happiness. Which is what the Day of Debauchery and Glutton is really all about.

Painting: José Rodolfo Loaiza Ontiveros Torch Song Trilogy, from Disenchanted exhibition at La Luz de Jesus Gallery.

Photo 1: Screen shot from Electric Daisy Carnival Experience, dir. Kevin Kerslake

Photo 2: Lisa Derrick (wedding of Beth Moriarty & Ted Barrial)