Mormon’s Secret: Get Into Mitt’s Pants!

Mitt Romney’s secretive attitude towards the press and public is no secret, and nor is his special underwear. And while reporters may not get to ride on Mitt’s magic bus, now thanks to the folks at Mormon’s Secret,  even we gentiles can experience a briefing à la Mitt:

Want authentic Magical Mormon Underwear made from a futuristic lightweight nylon that feels magical and looks otherworldly? We’ve got you covered. The top parts of Magical Mormon Underwear have masonic symbols hand-stitched into the fabric, and are superlatively comfortable.

Yes, these are authentic Magical Mormon Underwear, made the old fashioned way with modern fabrics:

The ancestors of Team Mahonri Moriancumer designed and fabricated the very first Mormon temple garments in 1842. Each of us are related to one or more of the original members of the Quorum of the Twelve Seamsters, a secretive but important group in early Mormon history. Our genealogy clearly shows that by May of 2012, our families will have been directing the creation and production of magical Mormon underwear for 170 years. You could say this particular Mormon secret is a family secret.

Since we’ve been at this for a long time, we know a thing or two about these special undies. From the hand stitched masonic symbols, to the careful inspection of each garment, we care about the craftsmanship of this magical product. As a bonus, we’re including special ceremonial instructions on wearing them “correctly,” to ensure the most magical experience possible. These are the same ceremonial instructions given to Mormons putting them on for the first time during a masonic ritual in Mormon temples. Along with these instructions, we have included information about their maintenance, to ensure they retain their magical properties.

And even better?! What’s your favorite four-letter word? Yes, that’s right: Mormon’s Secret is having a sale!

Late Night FDL: GOP Candidates Go Phallic With Code Names

Mitten$ Rmoney and Rick “Frothy” Santorum’s Secret Service code names–which the candidates chose themselves–reflect a certain cockiness and focus on their manliness, and in Romney’s case, a slight Oedipal overreach around. Rmoney’s code name “Javelin,” hypothesizes GQ which first reported the top sekrit pseudonyms,

is a reference to the ’60s muscle car made by American Motors Corporation, the company once run by George Romney.

Mitten$’ dad George ran for President in 1968, despite being born on foreign soil. And of course, javelins are long sticks thrown in track competitions, so the phallic symbolism is rather clear.

Rick Santorum chose an even more multi-layered named, “Petrus,” Latin for Peter, and translating to rock. Along from its popular meaning throughout the English speaking world as a slang term for “penis,” “Peter” is, of course, Jesus’ sidekick, his second in command, the “rock” on which Jesus wanted to build his church.

And I say also unto thee, That thou art Peter, and upon this rock I will build my church; and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it. And I will give unto thee the keys of the kingdom of heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.

Peter also famously denied Jesus three times, making him kind of a weasel, and proving that Jesus was psychic.

And he said, I tell thee, Peter, the cock shall not crow this day, before that thou shalt thrice deny that thou knowest me.

Choosing this nickname is pretty self-aggrandizing. Like, is Santorum saying he’s gonna be Peter as in Jesus’ best bud; and if elected, God help us all, build (his version) of Jesus’ church in America?

Ah, but there is a third even more secret meaning to Petrus: Château Pétrus is one of the world’s most expensive and lauded wines, hailing from a small estate in the Bordeaux region of France, with an average bottle price of $2,790, though prices for older bottles can easily rise to five figures.

So, elitist vintage? Jesus’ righthand dude deep in denial? Or just a dick?

Meanwhile, in response to “Game On,”–the execrably frothy Santorum singalong from teen sisters Camille and Haley Harris, who go by the name First Love Band — a 12-year old boy wrote this ditty and then directed the video himself:


Close