Late Night: Does This Caulk Gun Make Me Look Short? Your Tax Dollars at Work

 

 

The Pentagon spends a lot of money on stuff that sucks–like bombs and drones. And drones with bombs. But seriously, spending $70 billion (yes, that’s with a B!) per Mother Jones on stuff like US Air Force

research on whether men were perceived as taller when they were holding a pistol than if they were simply wielding a caulk gun, paint brush or a power drill. Answer: Yes.

And something that already exists:

A smart phone ap designed to “help people manage their caffeine consumption to suit their lifestyles.”

And this really disgusting concept:

The Department of Defense spent $1.5 million to develop a new twist on beef jerky. The savory snack is designed to be more like a “fruit roll-up” than a Slim Jim, and to double as a sandwich filling if necessary….the jerky industry is thriving without the help of taxpayer dollars.

The creepiest:

The Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency has spent more than $1 million to “foster a rebirth of wonder” and to make space travel to other solar systems feasible in the next century. To that end, the agency paid $100,000 to sponsor a strategy workshop in September featuring a session called “Did Jesus die for Klingons, too?” on the theological threat to Christianity that the discovery of life on other planets might pose.

Which kinda crosses the line, since well, it presumes that Christianity should be the prevailing religion in the military.  For good measure, you tax dollars also went to sponsor

A related conference devoted to the future of space travel included a workshop on “what intersteller explorers might wear.” (Hint: Not polos and khakis.) The event featured an “intergalatic gala” for which attendees were asked to come in “starship cocktail attire.”

Oh gods, imgaine Paula Broadwell in this!

Late Night: Atom Age Vampire and Other Halloween Offerings

 

Beauty, vanity, love and an Atom Age Vampire in this full length horror flick!

Feeling a little sucked dry by politicians? Maybe Attack of the Giant Leeches will cheer you up!

And of course no Halloween is complete without Bugs Bunny in Hair Raising Hare:

At this time of year, when the veil is thin between the world, let’s lift a glass and light a candle to those who have passed, including most recently our brave Firebagger, Southern Dragon.

Late Night: Something’s Squirrelly!

There was a nutty thing on the teevees earlier tonight. Who was the squirrellier?

I am pro the robo-squirrels, since the majority of funding went towards training future scientists, though probably a couple post-docs with a video camera and some sunblock could have figured out that when squirrels sense a rattlesnake they move their tails.

Tree crop farmers in the Northeast have had a bumper crop this year–not just of apples and nuts, but of squirrels who are enjoying the bounty. Nature has a way of resolving this: Many squirrels are ending up as roadkill.

Speaking of roadkill–was there any on tonight’s debates?

Late Nite: Nun Sense!

I love nuns. I think it began when I was seven and my aunt told me that

Get thee to a nunnery

was one of Shakespeare’s jokes, and it was a ye olden slang term for bordello, as well as a place where nuns live.

When Vatican 2 hit, it changed nuns. They became hip, like Mary Tyler Moore in that movie with Elvis Presley (it sucked, IMO). And of course The Flying Nun.

Recently nuns have been getting grief from the Vatican for being outspoken.

No uppity nuns!

shrilled the churchmen.

But nuns are rad. Or as Colbert said,

Radical feminists

Now the group of Catholic Sisters calling themselves Nuns on the Bus have kicked off their tour, though on their fist stop in Ames, Iowa, Republican (and Catholic) Congressman Steve King fled in terror:

leaving a small typed note taped on the door of his newly opened Ames office that said he was meeting with voters across his newly redrawn Iowa 4th Congressional District.

The nuns want to let elected officials know the wretched impact Senator Paul Ryan’s budget plan would have if it passes. But it looks like little Stevie was scared and ran off, leaving nary a staffer to be hospitable to the sisters. I hope he confesses his cowardice and inhospitality, and his priest gives him 30 full rosaries for being a chicken.

Late Night FDL: May Day–Walking, Dancing, Marching: It’s Good for You!

 

It’s May Day when those of certain faiths celebrate spring with dances round the maypole (a phallic symbol if ever there was one) and jumping over the Beltane fires, along with some other heart-rate raising activities of the fornicatory variety. In modern times May Day has become associated with another exercise: Marches! There were marches all over the world today!

Today in Los Angeles we had Four Winds, where groups from the four corners of the county converged in downtown, joining with pro-immigrant rallies in downtown and shutting down LAX for a while. There were several arrests for civil disobedience, and some idiot hit an LAPD officer with a skateboard. Not be sexist, but the moran, who remains at large, hit a female officer, and considering how everyone at the marches is supposed to be all respectful of the wimmins–even cops–that’s an epic fail. Or an outside agitator.

Celebrating May day with a Beltane frolic or a community march helps change the world. And even if it’s not a holiday, please make an effort to walk! Exercise changes your life!

Late Night FDL: GOP Candidates Go Phallic With Code Names

Mitten$ Rmoney and Rick “Frothy” Santorum’s Secret Service code names–which the candidates chose themselves–reflect a certain cockiness and focus on their manliness, and in Romney’s case, a slight Oedipal overreach around. Rmoney’s code name “Javelin,” hypothesizes GQ which first reported the top sekrit pseudonyms,

is a reference to the ’60s muscle car made by American Motors Corporation, the company once run by George Romney.

Mitten$’ dad George ran for President in 1968, despite being born on foreign soil. And of course, javelins are long sticks thrown in track competitions, so the phallic symbolism is rather clear.

Rick Santorum chose an even more multi-layered named, “Petrus,” Latin for Peter, and translating to rock. Along from its popular meaning throughout the English speaking world as a slang term for “penis,” “Peter” is, of course, Jesus’ sidekick, his second in command, the “rock” on which Jesus wanted to build his church.

And I say also unto thee, That thou art Peter, and upon this rock I will build my church; and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it. And I will give unto thee the keys of the kingdom of heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.

Peter also famously denied Jesus three times, making him kind of a weasel, and proving that Jesus was psychic.

And he said, I tell thee, Peter, the cock shall not crow this day, before that thou shalt thrice deny that thou knowest me.

Choosing this nickname is pretty self-aggrandizing. Like, is Santorum saying he’s gonna be Peter as in Jesus’ best bud; and if elected, God help us all, build (his version) of Jesus’ church in America?

Ah, but there is a third even more secret meaning to Petrus: Château Pétrus is one of the world’s most expensive and lauded wines, hailing from a small estate in the Bordeaux region of France, with an average bottle price of $2,790, though prices for older bottles can easily rise to five figures.

So, elitist vintage? Jesus’ righthand dude deep in denial? Or just a dick?

Meanwhile, in response to “Game On,”–the execrably frothy Santorum singalong from teen sisters Camille and Haley Harris, who go by the name First Love Band — a 12-year old boy wrote this ditty and then directed the video himself:

Late Night FDL: New Santorum Strategy? Some Things Are Hard to Swallow

 

Since it’s GOP primary night, time for gratuitously juvenile, R-rated Late Night.

This nifty little video points out that if conservatives think fornication is just about making babies, they are missing out on a lot of action. I’m surprised One Million Moms, Focus on the Family, NOM and others aren’t up in arms over this product, which turns an appetizer into dinner, providing an assist for anyone who may not enjoy the flavor, while eliminating the opportunity for sperm and ovum to unite.

We understand that, for some, the tastes associated with fellatio can make the act less than enjoyable. And so, five years ago we came up with an idea. An idea that could change the way some people viewed the taste of semen and any negative effects it has on their oral sex experience. That’s why Masque™ was developed. We believe we’re not only making quality products to enhance personal intimacy, we’re changing the way people think and talk about foreplay around the world.

And according to the Arizona ACLU, new legislation proposed

could give employers the right to fire women who use birth control. The bill, which sailed right through the state’s Senate Judiciary Committee, grants employers the right to ask for proof that contraceptives are being taken for non-contraceptive reasons.

Arizona House Bill 2625, authored by Majority Whip Debbie Lesko, R-Glendale, would permit employers to ask their employees for proof of medical prescription if they seek contraceptives for non-reproductive purposes, such as hormone control or acne treatment.

“I believe we live in America. We don’t live in the Soviet Union,” Lesko said. “So, government should not be telling the organizations or mom and pop employers to do something against their moral beliefs.”

And truly if the only reason the Religious Rightwing can come up with for sex is making babies, then seriously, we are fucked. And not in a good way.

Late Night FDL: Game Change

March 10 HBO brings us “Game Change” which could be construed as a comedy, but isn’t, about the 2008 election, focusing specifically on John McCain’s choice for running mate: Sarah Palin.

Naturally SarahPAC had some strong words:

Pay channel HBO has produced another docudrama based on the political arena. This time it is a subscription-only television movie sensationalizing 40 pages of a three-year-old book about the 2008 presidential election…

The docudrama Game Change has not been released, but the content and clips available and scenes as reported by the media make it clear that HBO studio heads decided they would generate more profit by inventing facts and scenes for the purpose of fictionalizing a history written by people with no personal knowledge of the situations they attempt to depict.

Now wait a goldarn minute: Isn’t basing one’s viewpoint on just a snippet something the neo-cons claim the gotcha, drive-by-media does? Shouldn’t Palin, SarahPAC and the right just wait and watch the whole docudrama before passing an opinion? All I can say is

There they ago again

and Palin has created a response called “Fact Change”

Late Night FDL: Happy Mardi (Foie) Gras

 

I loved Bea Arthur, one of the funniest women in comedy. Maude, her 1970s era sitcom spin-off from All in the Family was groundbreaking. Golden Girls made her an icon. And as the below (semi-NSFW) video, her last performance shows, she never lost her stride.

The day after her death, on April 27, 2009  a letter was released by PETA, the People for Ethical Treatment of Animals, from Bea Arthur to acclaimed chef Curtis Stone, pleading with him to stop using foie gras. That was, according to PETA, her dying wish. Arthur was an honorary director for the animal rights group.

Arthur also campaigned to get foie gras banned in California, and that ban will take effect in July of this year. Chicago tried the same thing in 2006, passing a law than forbade the sale of fatted duck liver. The ban lasted four months. During the verbotten time, foie gras was neither gone nor forgotten: Chefs simply got around the restriction by offering expensively priced salads and entrees with a gratis garnish of gras. Which is exactly what a couple chefs I’ve spoken with in Los Angeles intend to do.

The California law, signed by then-governor Arnold Schwarzenegger would not prohibit the sale of foie gras but also its production. There are  only three farms, all USDA certified,  that fatten ducks in the United States, two in New York, the other is in California.

The most dire affect of the ban will be on Sonoma Valley’s Sonoma-Artisan, that will be forced to stop production completely by the date the ban goes into effect. Currently, Sonoma-Artisan supplies about 10%–15% of the domestic foie gras market, according to Guillermo Gonzalez, co-owner of the business with his wife, Junny. Sonoma-Artisan is a family business and the couple’s daughter, Helena, is now involved, as well. The Gonzalez family has been in Sonoma County since the 1980…The last 10 years have been increasingly difficult for them and their business. While sales are stable, the cost of grain continues to rise faster than conceivable increases to the sale price of foie.

And because I can! And because this headline writer did:

They just write themselves, don’t they? Maybe for Lent I’ll give upmake poop jokes….nah.

Late Night FDL: GOP Fatwa, Rush Goes Mullah on Newt

 

The world is wacky and zany in GOP politics:  Rush Windbag has ordered a fatwa on Newter Gingrinch, saying:

Newt Gingrich should apologize for his attacks on free markets. He should apologize to Governor Romney.

Is this eleven-level chess playing by Rush, bait and switching? Is he serious? Is he crazy? Or is he testing the bounds of reality?

 

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