Late Night FDL: GOP Candidates Go Phallic With Code Names

Mitten$ Rmoney and Rick “Frothy” Santorum’s Secret Service code names–which the candidates chose themselves–reflect a certain cockiness and focus on their manliness, and in Romney’s case, a slight Oedipal overreach around. Rmoney’s code name “Javelin,” hypothesizes GQ which first reported the top sekrit pseudonyms,

is a reference to the ’60s muscle car made by American Motors Corporation, the company once run by George Romney.

Mitten$’ dad George ran for President in 1968, despite being born on foreign soil. And of course, javelins are long sticks thrown in track competitions, so the phallic symbolism is rather clear.

Rick Santorum chose an even more multi-layered named, “Petrus,” Latin for Peter, and translating to rock. Along from its popular meaning throughout the English speaking world as a slang term for “penis,” “Peter” is, of course, Jesus’ sidekick, his second in command, the “rock” on which Jesus wanted to build his church.

And I say also unto thee, That thou art Peter, and upon this rock I will build my church; and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it. And I will give unto thee the keys of the kingdom of heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.

Peter also famously denied Jesus three times, making him kind of a weasel, and proving that Jesus was psychic.

And he said, I tell thee, Peter, the cock shall not crow this day, before that thou shalt thrice deny that thou knowest me.

Choosing this nickname is pretty self-aggrandizing. Like, is Santorum saying he’s gonna be Peter as in Jesus’ best bud; and if elected, God help us all, build (his version) of Jesus’ church in America?

Ah, but there is a third even more secret meaning to Petrus: Château Pétrus is one of the world’s most expensive and lauded wines, hailing from a small estate in the Bordeaux region of France, with an average bottle price of $2,790, though prices for older bottles can easily rise to five figures.

So, elitist vintage? Jesus’ righthand dude deep in denial? Or just a dick?

Meanwhile, in response to “Game On,”–the execrably frothy Santorum singalong from teen sisters Camille and Haley Harris, who go by the name First Love Band — a 12-year old boy wrote this ditty and then directed the video himself:

Late Night FDL: Cats, Kittens, Mittens and Santorum

 

Let’s face it, we know the Internet was invented to showcase cats, and we may have reached the absolute end of the Internet with this latest entry into politics. However, Hank the Cat may face some obstacles in his Senate run, because well, you have to be (technically) human to be elected. Rombot: Barely human.

However Hank is unlikely to cough up a hairball over the separation of church and state, something that makes Rick Santorum throw up. What else might make Santorum spew puke? But now, like a dog, Frothy Mix Rick wants to eat the words he vomited about JFK, telling Laura Ingraham:

I wish I had that particular line back.

He went on to say:

I think we need to have a free exercise of religion in this country and it’s important for those First Amendment freedoms to be alive and well in America.

So that means he’d be cool with an endorsement from Druids, Wiccans and Aleister Crowely’s Ordo Templi Orientis? What about the Temple of Set and the Church of Satan? Just checking. ‘Cause you know, free exercise of religion means freedom for all religions to exercise. And some of them exercise in the nude.

Meanwhile in Michigan, Democrats have been voting for Santorum against Romney in the primary. Good strategy or bad?

Rick Santorum Wants Your C.U.M.

Either Rick Santorum has grown  a frothily perverse sense of humor since Dan Savage Google-bombed his name, turning “Santorum” into a universal synonym for a post-coital mix of feces and lube; or his campaign unwittingly hired a 4Chan mole. Santorum now wants us all to join in a hot, slick orgy of money-giving called Conservatives United Moneybomb.

Yes, Rick Santorum wants your C.U.M. And he’s gotten a big load already, over $1.5 million. You can also buy a Rick Santorum sweater vest. Just don’t call it a C.U.M. rag.

 


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