Herpes Virus Found on Library Copy of “Fifty Shades of Grey”

Maybe the title should be Filthy Shades of Grey. Two professors who wanted to make a splash in their fields of bacteriology and toxicology came up with a novel idea: Analyze the gunk on the covers of the ten most borrowed library books in Antwerp, where they are based.

While all ten of the books came up positive for cocaine, the yuckiest discovery was the mommy-porn hit Fifty Shades of Grey (which I haven’t read, because really who need to put up with a widdle virgin being whipped into a love-filled frenzy while being ass-sarded and spanked by a guy with serious psychological damage who bases his neckwear collection on his last name?). The book has herpes. So not only should you wear condom while trying out the stunts in the book, you need latex protection just to read it.

Supposedly, according to the professors, the virus trace was so low as to not produce a public health risk. And frankly, by adulthood in the United States, 70% to 90% of people are seropositive, that is have antibodies, for herpes simplex virus 1 which causes mouth sores, meaning they have been exposed.  The study did not indicate whether the library virus was HSV1 or the genital version HSV2, for which 30% of the US population tests seropositive.  In Belgium, the numbers for HSV1, and lower for HSV2. But still, eeeuuuw.

All ten of the books tested positive for cocaine, though not enough to get you high, so forget about licking the covers for a rush (especially do not lick the cover of Fifty Shades of Grey!). Keep in mind that 90% of  US currency has traces of cocaine.

Regarding the gack found on the books, toxicologist Professor Jan Tytgat of the Catholic University of Leuven said

The levels found won’t have a pharmacological effect. Your consciousness or behaviour won’t change as a result of reading the tomes. Today’s testing methods are so sensitive that traces of the drug originating from a contaminated book will be found in your hair, blood and urine.

So checking out a popular book from a library in Antwerp could screw up your next drug test. And while the tin foilers may say

Oh this is a plot to keep us out of the libraries/make more money for books on tablet/keep us from reading

in reality it’s more of a cautionary tale suggesting we improve our minds with philosophy, social history and the classics which might be less germy.

And this also reminds us to wash our hands with good old fashioned soap and hot water! A study by Michigan State University found that 95% of Americans don’t wash their hands correctly after going to the bathroom, meaning long enough to kill bacteria, and one in ten don’t wash their hands at all, with men being the worst offenders.  And for bonus health, men should wash before and after urinating so they don’t hand off germs to their Johnson.  Two rounds of “Happy Birthday” or  one version of the alphabet rhyme using soap and water after using the toilet is recommended for food service workers – and the rest of us, too.

Fifty Shades of Grey is slated to be made into a movie, for release in 2015. Bring a disposable plastic seat cover for the theater.

Late Night: “Captain Underpants” Most Challenged Book of the Year


The American Library Association has released its list of the most challenged books of the past year, and Fifty Shades of Grey was only number four on the list, beaten out by the charming and funny kid’s book series,  Captain Underpants, Sherman Alexie’s prize-winning “The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian,” and Jay Asher’s Thirteen Reasons Why.

The ALA’s  Office for Intellectual Freedom defines a challenge as a

formal, written complaint filed with a library or school requesting that a book or other material be restricted or removed because of its content or appropriateness.

The first three books on the list were considered unsuitable for any age. Fifty Shades of Grey was challenged for its sexytime situations, and some libraries claimed the smutty trilogy was too poorly written to be stocked, according the Guardian. (And yet, Jackie Collins can be found on shelves…)

In the past decade the  top ten list list included works by Mark Twain, Maya Angelou, Alice Walker, Toni Morrison, Maurice Sendak, Judy Blume, J.D. Salinger, John Steinbeck, Harper Lee, and J.K. Rowlings. Nobel Laureate Morrison’s Beloved made the top ten list this year.

The 2012 list of most challenged books is 25% longer than 2011′s but not as extensive as during the last two decades of the 20th century.

Captain Underpants, challenged for

offensive language, unsuited for age group

is so much fun. The book follows the adventures of schoolkids as

they duel Dr. Diaper, tackle the talking toilets, clash with the crazy cafeteria ladies, plot against Professor Poopypants, and wrestle the wicked Wedgie Woman. Overflowing with humor, action, and that world-famous cheesy animation technique, Flip-O-Rama, this boxed collection will make kids laugh until soda comes out their noses.

No doubt the anti-authoritarian tone is what got folks all sandy-pants over Captain Underpants!

Author Dav Pilkey who based the books on his own elementary school experiences, issued this statement:

It’s pretty exciting to be on a list that frequently features Mark Twain, Harper Lee, and Maya Angelou. But I worry that some parents might see this list and discourage their kids from reading Captain Underpants, even though they have not had a chance to read the books themselves.

UnAmerican: If Elected, Rick Santorum Would Banhammer Fap Sites

Everyone knows the Internet was created for two reasons: Lolcats and to allow free expression of everything else. Yet if elected, Rick Santorum promises something very un-American: To ban pornography on the Internet. That sequel to Fifty Shades of Grey–forget about it. (And teh kittehs may be next).

In a statement on his website, Santorum, whose name has become synonymous with a specific neologism meaning a frothy mix of certain fluids, spews forth:

Current federal “obscenity” laws prohibit distribution of hardcore (obscene) pornography on the Internet, on cable/satellite TV, on hotel/motel TV, in retail shops and through the mail or by common carrier. Rick Santorum believes that federal obscenity laws should be vigorously enforced. “If elected President, I will appoint an Attorney General who will do so.”

The Obama Administration has turned a blind eye to those who wish to preserve our culture from the scourge of pornography and has refused to enforce obscenity laws. While the Obama Department of Justice seems to favor pornographers over children and families, that will change under a Santorum Administration.

But what is obscene? That depends on prevailing community standards, which can translate to six squeaky wheels protesting in front of the Hustler store, while a lot of people stay home watching streaming triple-X raunchfests or reading Anaïs Nin. Or Aleister Crowley. Rick Santorum’s concept of obscene probably varies widely from mine. Or yours. Or the guy next door’s.

Dr. Omar Minwalla Clinical Director of The Institute for Sexual Health, based in Beverly Hills, CA pointed out in an interview with me that there is a large uptick in straight-identified men (admitting to) watching pornography featuring transgender people. Many couples, married or not, watch pornography together. Fifty Shades of Grey, a “romance” novel featuring heavy BDMS (bondage/dominance/sado-masochism) is best seller among women, especially it seems, married moms; the highly sexed novel is credited as putting the spice back into relationships. And this graph shows that traditionally Republican, conservative states have the highest Google searches for both “God” and “free gay porn.”

Filtering the Internet for obscenity is a slippery slope, and an election strategy that could backfire. Such a plan would cost taxpayers money and cause more government interference in our lives, while doing nothing to lower taxes, create jobs, strengthen the border, or end our dependency on foreign oil – all of which are huge Republican issues. While some people may outwardly support Santorum, when it comes to what they do at home and in the voting booth, both equally very private matters, personal issues could translate to a loss for the sexual-censorship-obsessed Santorum.

In an interesting side note, Dr. Minwalla adds that many of the clients he sees for sexuality concerns are often Republican, religious conservatives who are sexually acting out with not only pornography, but multiple affairs, prostitution, strip clubs, massage parlors, and with employees. Says Dr. Minwalla:

Often, in order to compensate for the shame they may feel about their secret and shame-based sexual behaviors, many such men will present as fighters for morality, or join organizations that fight pornography as a way to compensate for their shame and the discomfort about their own sexuality,as a way of soothing it and making themselves feel better.

Now Rick Santorum wants to create an even bigger, illegal shame pool for people to swim in using standards of obscenity based on the views of a group of people who think having Ellen DeGeneres–a talented, successful, married woman who gives to charity and is concerned about social and economic issues–as a spokesperson for a major department store is reprehensible:

I proudly support the efforts of the War on Illegal Pornography Coalition that has tirelessly fought to get federal obscenity laws enforced. That coalition is composed of 120 national, state, and local groups, including Morality in Media, Family Research Council, Focus on the Family, American Family Association, Cornerstone Family Council of New Hampshire, Pennsylvania Family Institute, Concerned Women for America, The Ethics & Religious Liberty Commission of the Southern Baptist Convention, and a host of other groups. Together we will prevail.

Can you imagine the meetings these groups must have, huddled around the flickering screens of their computers, sharing files of fap-fodder, groaning in ecstasy disgust at the filthy perversions of their fellow Americans…

Oh and Senator Santorum, Ben Franklin participated in orgies. Plus our Founding Fathers appeared to like porn, the profits of which help found the American Revolution. So fap to that, Frothyman.