Just so you know, Pat Robertson says it’s okay that Petraeus banged Paula Broadwell because

she’s an extremely good-looking woman…The man’s off in a foreign land and he’s lonely and here’s a good-looking lady throwing herself at him. He’s a man.

(But of course the four-star crossed lovers didn’t make the beast with two backs until after he joined the CIA. Because adultery in the military is a crime.)

PROPINQUITY! Your Pat Robertson word of the day.

Oh what fools these mortals be! First off, let’s just say there is a tried and true history of men having mistresses, even married mistresses; but nowadays a married mistress can be a bit messy, unless the man practices “catch and release,” the woman has more to loose than he, and she isn’t batshit, bughouse looney. And not to pillory my gender, but a lot of women, pabulumized on bad television movies and chick-lit seriously believe the hype of an affair. Plus, there’s the whole removal of the love-object concept which takes away the source of endorphins, oxytocin, and drama, leaving an hysterical, heaving mass plotting revenge. Oh honey, just get a voodoo doll and keep your piehole shut.

I’m still trying to parse the timeline of  Petraeus, Paula Broadwell, Jill Kelley, Allen and Shirtless FBI Guy.  Here’s what I’ve got:

DATE UNKNOWN:  Jill Kelley received email pictures of Shirtless FBI Guy.

POST-APRIL 2011: Petraeus and Broadwell–which falls into the category of nomenclature is destiny with bush-league, wanna-be Bond-girl name–began their physical affair two months or so after he was made head of CIA. Because adultery in the military is a crime.

APPROXIMATELY MAY 2012:  The Wall Street Journal reports that around May, Kelley began receiving nastygrams. She contacted her friend, Shirtless FBI Guy who initiated an investigation, which eventually exposed the Petraeus/Broadwell liaisons. And 20,000-30,000 pages of emails to Gen. Allen (which may or may not be about the anonymous, allegedly threatening, emails from Broadwell). But he never touched that woman. Because adultery in the military is a crime.

JUNE/JULY 2012, Petraeus ended his relationship with Broadwell. They had used super bad spycraft to correspond, which is really embarrassing considering he was like head of the CIA and she’s a West Point graduate. Supposedly she was getting possessive and/or he was not amused by the emails sent to Kelley (which may or may not have been sent from the Gmail accounts they shared).

AUGUST/SEPTEMBER 2012: General Allen writes letters to support Jill Kelley’s sister in a custody battle.  Somewhere along the way, Gen. Allen receives an anonymous email from someone later learned to be Broadwell making comments about Jill Kelley; and according to CNN, Allen alerted Kelley and may have contacted the FBI himself.

SEPTEMBER 11, 2012: Attack on U.S. Embassy in Benghazi.

OCTOBER 26: Broadwell talks about stuff that’s not vetted regarding Benghazi. Was she telling the truth or making stuff up? We’ll never know. But hell hath no fury…

LATE OCTOBER: Out of the loop,  Shirtless FBI Guy drops a dime and blows it open, contacting a member of Congress, Republican David Reichert, who contacted Eric Cantor.

NOVEMBER: Apres l’election, le deluge.

And what a dump! It just keeps flowing like the Augean stables. And this is just the seksy stuff. Let’s look at this from the spai who  loved me perspective. (And few have done worse than Petraeus and Broadwell). Pick any of these:

1. Broadwell is a spy/plant/honey pot/firewalls/shiny object to distract from deeper Benghazi issues and of say, arm sales to Syrian mercenary insurgents in Syria, etc.

2. Broadwell is a spai who was supposed to learn stuff from Petraeus and tell her Nefarious Masters.

3. Broadwell’s sesky email account may have been known about and compromised, and used to send emails to Kelley to start this. And Broadwell’s seksy email account may have been used to send the email to Gen. Allen making comments about Jill Kelley. All of which means some long term planning. (cue James Bond theme)

4. Broadwell is a sloppy mistress (indiscreet and possessive), and Jill Kelley is a drama queen.

5. Promotional stunt for Skyfall.

6. Giant, flesh-eating, shape-shifting reptiles.

HT: Newsvandal, Teddy Partridge, and Dr. fFawkes for data, encouragement, spai stuff, and hand-holding.

I am so over cupcakes. They are twee, precious and ghastly. Which is why I revel in the hideous show Cupcake Wars where cutesy and/or sincere bakers compete to have their creations featured at a semi-high profile event, like a car show or fashion launch. The twist: Bakers must use ingredients inspired by the party–like roast turkey, red licorice, Cheetos, or popcorn. The failures are phenomenal, the critiques fabulously snarky. Unfortunately no one has called them “crap cakes” yet, but I still have half a season saved on DVR to hope for that.

Thankfully  the loathsomely adorable dessert has finally gone to war in a much better way, and not as substitute for grenades, though seriously, some are only suited for that.  No, now cupcakes have joined the War on Terror!

The British intelligence service MI6 hacked into Al Qaeda’s online English language magazine Inspire, produced by radical cleric Anwar al-Awlaki, and replaced the sugar-filled article “Make a bomb in the Kitchen of your Mom” with a page of recipes for “The Best Cupcakes in America” published by the Ellen DeGeneres chat show.

Nothing like a nice mojito cupcake slathered in vanilla butter cream frosting to convert a potentially violent villain into a peace loving hipster.

The Telegraph UK reports that the cyber squad also removed articles by Osama bin Laden, his deputy Ayman al-Zawahiri and a piece called “What to expect in Jihad.” The United States, which knew of the Inspire website declined to get involved:

A Pentagon operation, backed by Gen Keith Alexander, the head of US Cyber Command, was blocked by the CIA which argued that it would expose sources and methods and disrupt an important source of intelligence, according to a report in America.

Inspire magazine was back online in two weeks, but agents will continue the merry prankstering. I hope they will consider substituting a few pages of Pamela Des Barres awesome rock n roll memoir I’m with the Band for an article on how to recruit for a terrorist cell….

[photo: creative commons, Rachel Kramer Bussel]