Rick Santorum Wants Your C.U.M.

Either Rick Santorum has grown  a frothily perverse sense of humor since Dan Savage Google-bombed his name, turning “Santorum” into a universal synonym for a post-coital mix of feces and lube; or his campaign unwittingly hired a 4Chan mole. Santorum now wants us all to join in a hot, slick orgy of money-giving called Conservatives United Moneybomb.

Yes, Rick Santorum wants your C.U.M. And he’s gotten a big load already, over $1.5 million. You can also buy a Rick Santorum sweater vest. Just don’t call it a C.U.M. rag.


My Friend, An Hero, The Captain, Sean Carasov is Dead

The Captain, Final Boss of the Internets, RIP November 17, 1961 to October 30, 2010.

I loved Sean Carasov, aka The Captain, from the day he walked into Atlantic Records to A&R the urban department. Bold, brash, with a heart bigger than his ability to conjugate the verb fuck. He introduced me to Vida, Fred Eric’s definitive Los Feliz restaurant–now a Chabad center, my how the 90s have become the next century!–and there he christened me La Lisa, a reference the grand courtesans of the Belle Epoch, not only because he saw that side of me, but also he said, because I wasn’t a diva.

La Lisa, Norman, The Capt, Atlantic Records, Xmas96

He had worked for the Beastie Boys and Jive Records before Atlantic and after for Artist Direct, later becoming a major contributor to 4Chan and Encyclopaedia Dramatica, the most irreverent, offensive NSFW ridiculous sites on the Internet. He also worked in the porn industry as a producer. One time he called and suggested I drop by a porn set in the Valley, a perfect 1970s times capsule, where along with seeing a lot safe sex from a safe distance,  I met the band Orgy and a cute pair of dogues de Bourgone, a type of mastiff. Thankfully, neither the band nor the animals were involved in the filming; they were just hanging out.

We lost touch until I got involved with Chanology, the Anonymous protests against Scientology’s repressive actions. Mudkips, one of his feral cats was poisoned the day of the first major protest, and Sean was falsely arrested on trumped up charges leveled by a cult-zombie. I tracked him down and we re-established our friendship. When he went to court to deal with the BS–a Scientology flack claimed Sean had threatened him–I house sat to insure there were no breaks-in or monkey business. I was of course photographed by the Lee Baca supported criminal cult goons, but wtf, that’s part of The Game. The charges against Sean were dropped.

The changes in the record business had rendered The Captain’s skills and talents redundant. His stated goal was to move to Thailand and work with refugees, but he had to deal with the IRS and other financial situations. The Captain was passionate about the underdog, the oppressed, the pariahs. He fed feral cats, adored Evie “his” feral and adored his own kitties Gotti and Shorty. Gotti died a while back, and Shorty’s death earlier this month exacerbated Sean’s depression.

The Captain would often drop by my house on his bike with bottles of Mexican Coca-Cola for me during a very bleak period of my life. He was in constant physical pain from injuries, but always kept working out, always managed to make me laugh. On Friday the 29th  he popped over to hang  out for a bit as we got ready for a party Saturday and tried to work out logistics of him bringing by some out of town guests. He had plans for Halloween weekend and sounded up beat about some DJ/dance projects he was starting, though mentioned being upset about having to pick up Shorty’s ashes. I offered to drive him, but he said he’d deal with it.

Today someone sent me a message on Facebook mentioning the “tragedy” and asking if I could help feed the feral cats in Sean’s yard….Whaaaa? That’s how I found out. Friends drove me the couple blocks to his house since I was pretty much a sobbing wreck. His neighbors and I wept together as they told about the details. I gathered some dirt from the spot where he had taken his last breath before shooting himself with his  .45 ,and then we drove to the vet and got Shorty’s ashes which are now on my living room table. The dirt is in a jar on my altar.

The Captain was such a brave, generous, hard ass fucker, tender, bold, fearless. But the pain he felt was too great to be rectified.  I love him; I always will. The Captain is why I will now have on my arm.

The family has asked that donations be made in Sean’s name to FIXNATION.ORG, a non-profit 501C3 (that means it’s tax deductible!) which does trap/neuter/release of feral felines.

And now a word from Encyclopaedia Dramatica:

4chan Boss Rorschach was a Britfag Internets superhero who had devoted his otherwise empty life to trolling the fuck out of the ‘church’ of $cientology and giving them teh rAIDS.

So far he did a pretty good job since OSA‘s quest to find out his powerword, movements, routine and ‘crimes‘ for a dox drop at Party Van central, has yielded little to nothing other than the basics. I mean, what are you gonna ‘get’ on an unhinged, unemployed, divorced, oldfag /b/tard who blew all his hookers & blow money in the late ’90s?

On October 30th, 2010, Rorschach took his own life. He was survived by his Farmville account and his .45.

Posted on /b/ after being outed. Rorschach, when reached for comment said: “Co$bitches don’t know bout my /b/tards.

Rorschach OTI


Ultra Rick Roll: “Epic Fail Guy” Republican Governors Association Meme

Heads ups: some links are a little salty in their language and images, amirite?

There are obviously some merry pranksters of the 4Chan /b/ level  in conservative think tanks who infiltrated and convinced the Republican Governors Association that Guy Fawkes Day would be a really cool sub rosa coda to their new campaign, now known as  “Remember November.

Basic historical facts: In 1605 British Guy Fawkes and his co-conspirators stashed a bunch of gunpowder under the House of Lords and planned to blow up Parliament because the English government was Anglican and the plotters were Roman Catholic.  That would be a jihad, except the dudes were all Christian not Muslim, but you see where I’m going.

Fawkes was left guarding the boom-boom room, got caught when guards–tipped off by an anonymous letter–searched the basements. He confessed under torture and named his pals, and so was convicted of terrorism.  On execution day, he jumped off the gallows scaffolding, breaking his neck, in order to avoid the rather painful drawing and quartering that awaited him.

The failure of the Gunpowder Plot is celebrated in the UK on November 5 with bonfires. Depending on who’s lighting the fires, sometimes the Pope and other political figures, like Margaret Thatcher, are burned in effigy instead of a figure of Guy Fawkes. There’s also a little poem that’s recited:

Remember remember the fifth of November
Gunpowder, treason and plot.
I see no reason why gunpowder, treason
Should ever be forgot…

Flash forward 400 years to 2005 when the film V for Vendetta–based on the graphic novel written by Alan Moore–was scheduled for release (it was delayed until February 2006): A mysterious figure in a Guy Fawkes mask seeks to overthrow the totalitarian British government and becomes a hero, empowering the masses who all don the masks.

Along the way, on the Internets, most notably on 4 Chan.org the image sharing boards where people post anonymously and where cultural phenomenons like “rick rolling” exploded into the mainstream,  Guy Fawkes became a symbol of  utter failure, developing into a meme known as “epic fail guy,”  (EFG), a failure so grand it somehow succeeds in spite of itself and becomes “win.”

In 2008 EFG and the Guy Fawkes mask became a universal symbol for Anonymous, the global anti-Scientology protest group which coalesced on the Internet and actually succeeded in exposing much of the organization’s dirty laundry,  making them a goofy joke. Anonymous became underground heroes within the youth and online cultures. Can’t you just see the brain storming at RGA:

Whoa this whole Guy Fawkes thing has a hip new youth movement on the internets. Let’s subvert their subversion! They’ll never notice our subliminal appropriation.

Um, fail.

Fix’t by infiltrator:

/b/tards, this is full of win. And what do you want? Win! What will this give you? Delicious caek, made of win full of win>9000. All their bases are belong to us. Resistance is futile; they will be enturbulated! Doooooo eeeeet!

And the RGA fell for it.

And even more backstory: The term “anonymous” and “Anonymous” are often confused; when an “anonymous” kid hacked into Sarah Palin’s email account and posted the info on an “anonymous” site, “Anonymous” was blamed by Scientology. Um, epic fail all around.

Scientology calls the Guy Fawkes-mask wearing Anonymous “terrorists.”  This is the religion practiced by Washington insider Joe Coale who, after the hacking and Palin’s failed bid to be a heartbeat from the football, helped Palin form SarahPAC while his wife Greta Van Susteren shills for her on Fox.

And now the RGA is kinda trying to explain themselves as seen above…and failing.

Quick recap: For their campaign, the RGA uses slogan celebrating either the attempted traitorous overthrow of government on theocratic grounds, or the failure of said plot. Either way, celebrating fail. Additionally,  the RGA is co-opting a youth movement symbol which is (wrongly) associated with terrorism and harassing Sarah Palin, as well as annoying Greta Van Susteren. Epic fail.

But maybe, as explained on Encyclopaedia Dramatica, in some deeply non-dualistic universe it makes sense with so much fail surrounding them that the RGA would, in fact, adopt Epic Fail Guy as their subliminal electioneering slogan. Way to go an hero!

¡Viva Cinco de Mayo! Ad Targets AZ Anti-Immigrant Law

America For Americans PAC, a newly formed Democratic rapid-response group, put together this nifty radio spot in which Arizona students celebrating Cinco de Mayo are mistaken for illegal immigrants.

I am thinking of visiting Arizona in a Maple Leaves hockey jersey and speaking my tragic high school French, eh, while my Thai-American friend Kelvin joins the undercover mission as Kelvez, a non-specific immigrant. The only things stopping me are

a) we’re supposed be boycotting AZ

b) Kelvin is always snowboarding, working out at the gym, or surfing 4 Chan /b/

c) hockey jerseys look really bad on me

Just in Time for Easter: Socially Conscious ELF PORN

Okay, if I had written about this two days ago, you all would have coffeed on your screens and said

WTF, she’s pulling our legs, elf porn? Who wants to…waaaait, what’s the URL again?!

Yeah, xxxElfxxx.com, the brain child of designer Ben Jacob, combining socially conscious ideology with fornicating forest dwelling fantasy creatures, has hit the intert00bs, and it’s the feel good fap of the season, says one aficionado of online erotica (not me!).

I have friends who play Worlds of Warcraft, EverQuest and Second Life (aka Get a Life and You Suck at Life), and they claim there are ways to make the games adult. Rule 34…

Full disclosure, I have only watched a brief clip of  NSWF “action” and a full SFW bit; neither porn nor hentai are really my bag, nor are computer-generated images, but there is something rather charming about these  female elf heroines–who each have their own physically fit body type–and their um, larger than life consorts who live in the magical world of Felther (yeah, “felt her”). These are certainly not the Keebler elves!

So I tracked down xxxElfxxx creator Ben Jacob who told me that he had worked developing Elf Porn into a quality, professional product with an eco-friendly message–and that he’s planting trees to help minimize his company’s carbon footprint:

My biggest philosophical concern is how, as a species, we have distanced ourselves from the natural world. Most humans within our “worldly” culture place their needs, desires, and indulgences far before the needs of the planet and all of the other species sharing this space.

Each one of us has a personal and direct relationship to the Earth itself that is often neglected or never considered. All of the living things on this planet have a common ancestry to us, which makes them far off distant cousins at some point. Ultimately, they are still family though and I hope one day they will be considered and treated as such.

In the world of Felther, the elves have this awareness and connection to the plants, animals, and environment. Each heroine has a bond with some creature or “familiar” that is a gift, a source of power and support for them.

In short the story will be about two “evil” entities overrunning the world of Felther that are poisoning both the land and the minds of the people within. These are drawing on sharp parallels to how I see our own situation here on Earth and our current worldly crisis pertaining to environmental degradation, materialism, and religious extremism. The Heroines of Felther all have their own reasons or back stories of why they are battling these entities, drawing them together for a common goal.

So in this season of rebirth and resurrection, when little bunnies leave us chocolate eggs and the Divine Feminine is celebrated in the form of the book and skull-clutching Mary Magdalene, the elves of Felther may help mitigate the horrors of the canned ham and candied yams.