Late Night: Lunar Bombs, Stinky TV, and Hobbit Profits

 

I feel dirty. I feel dirty because the United States government wanted to blow up the moon to prove to the Soviet Union what big bad asses we were. Flashback: The Cold War. We had bombs, they had bombs, but we (maybe) had a better space program, so the idea was, according to reports in the Daily Mail, to launch an atom bomb to the moon and have it detonate and scare the Ruskies. Carl Sagan was in on plan, innocuously called “A Study of Lunar Research Flights” and nicknamed “Project A119″  which could have been carried off by 1959. What a load of dumb asses. Were they high?! Luckily saner minds prevailed, citing

 danger to people on Earth in case the mission failed. The scientists also registered concerns about contaminating the moon with radioactive material.

Um, duh.

Meanwhile the kid on Two and Half Men had a Come to Jesus Moment, literally, when the scales fell from his eyes, and he realized the show that has made him filthy rich is in fact

filth.

Oh the show sucks. But I kinda gotta wonder why he stuck around until he was 19. Expect the show to end. Thank you, Jesus.

And in other Hollywood news, J.R.R. Tolkien’s heirs are really upset because there are plans for a Lord of the Rings slot machine game, per the Hollywood Reporter. In 1969, the heirs made a deal with the Saul Zaentz Co. who later got Warner Bros involved which is why there is now a Lord of the Rings trilogy of films and a Hobbit movie. According to the suit:

Warners and the other defendants have “with increasing boldness, engaged in a continuing and escalating pattern of usurping rights to which they are not entitled,” the estate argues. For example, their rights include only “tangible” merchandise, not downloadable video games available only on mobile devices or tablets or Facebook. “Defendants also have asserted and continue to assert that they have rights relating to a wide variety of goods and services beyond ‘articles of tangible personal property’ and have registered trademarks and/or filed ‘intent to use’ applications in those same categories, including without limitation hotels, restaurants, travel agencies, ringtones, online/downloadable games and housing developments — categories of rights which plainly have not been granted to them.”

But wait, if you download the game onto your device, it is tangible personal property, isn’t it? And aren’t housing developments tangible? Wait what? HOBBIT HOUSING DEVELOPMENTS? Oh gods, no! Please make it stop!

And to bring it full circle:

 

Late Night: Does This Caulk Gun Make Me Look Short? Your Tax Dollars at Work

 

 

The Pentagon spends a lot of money on stuff that sucks–like bombs and drones. And drones with bombs. But seriously, spending $70 billion (yes, that’s with a B!) per Mother Jones on stuff like US Air Force

research on whether men were perceived as taller when they were holding a pistol than if they were simply wielding a caulk gun, paint brush or a power drill. Answer: Yes.

And something that already exists:

A smart phone ap designed to “help people manage their caffeine consumption to suit their lifestyles.”

And this really disgusting concept:

The Department of Defense spent $1.5 million to develop a new twist on beef jerky. The savory snack is designed to be more like a “fruit roll-up” than a Slim Jim, and to double as a sandwich filling if necessary….the jerky industry is thriving without the help of taxpayer dollars.

The creepiest:

The Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency has spent more than $1 million to “foster a rebirth of wonder” and to make space travel to other solar systems feasible in the next century. To that end, the agency paid $100,000 to sponsor a strategy workshop in September featuring a session called “Did Jesus die for Klingons, too?” on the theological threat to Christianity that the discovery of life on other planets might pose.

Which kinda crosses the line, since well, it presumes that Christianity should be the prevailing religion in the military.  For good measure, you tax dollars also went to sponsor

A related conference devoted to the future of space travel included a workshop on “what intersteller explorers might wear.” (Hint: Not polos and khakis.) The event featured an “intergalatic gala” for which attendees were asked to come in “starship cocktail attire.”

Oh gods, imgaine Paula Broadwell in this!

Broadwell, Petraeus, Kelley: A Very Special Episode of “Love Boat”

 

 

All abroad aboard tonight’s Very Special Episode of the Love Boat:

A series of startling revelations will change the lives of everyone on the Love Boat, as tonight they will loose one–or several–of their own.  The four-star cast is joined by surprise guests.

 

Hilarity ensues. Except people died off screen, approximately 137,000 civilians and over 7,000 U.S. soldiers.

Late Night: Rhymes with “Betray Us,” But Pat Robertson Says It’s Okay! It’s Who You Know.

 

Just so you know, Pat Robertson says it’s okay that Petraeus banged Paula Broadwell because

she’s an extremely good-looking woman…The man’s off in a foreign land and he’s lonely and here’s a good-looking lady throwing herself at him. He’s a man.

(But of course the four-star crossed lovers didn’t make the beast with two backs until after he joined the CIA. Because adultery in the military is a crime.)

PROPINQUITY! Your Pat Robertson word of the day.

 

Oh what fools these mortals be! First off, let’s just say there is a tried and true history of men having mistresses, even married mistresses; but nowadays a married mistress can be a bit messy, unless the man practices “catch and release,” the woman has more to loose than he, and she isn’t batshit, bughouse looney. And not to pillory my gender, but a lot of women, pabulumized on bad television movies and chick-lit seriously believe the hype of an affair. Plus, there’s the whole removal of the love-object concept which takes away the source of endorphins, oxytocin, and drama, leaving an hysterical, heaving mass plotting revenge. Oh honey, just get a voodoo doll and keep your piehole shut.

I’m still trying to parse the timeline of  Petraeus, Paula Broadwell, Jill Kelley, Allen and Shirtless FBI Guy.  Here’s what I’ve got:

DATE UNKNOWN:  Jill Kelley received email pictures of Shirtless FBI Guy.

POST-APRIL 2011: Petraeus and Broadwell–which falls into the category of nomenclature is destiny with bush-league, wanna-be Bond-girl name–began their physical affair two months or so after he was made head of CIA. Because adultery in the military is a crime.

APPROXIMATELY MAY 2012:  The Wall Street Journal reports that around May, Kelley began receiving nastygrams. She contacted her friend, Shirtless FBI Guy who initiated an investigation, which eventually exposed the Petraeus/Broadwell liaisons. And 20,000-30,000 pages of emails to Gen. Allen (which may or may not be about the anonymous, allegedly threatening, emails from Broadwell). But he never touched that woman. Because adultery in the military is a crime.

JUNE/JULY 2012, Petraeus ended his relationship with Broadwell. They had used super bad spycraft to correspond, which is really embarrassing considering he was like head of the CIA and she’s a West Point graduate. Supposedly she was getting possessive and/or he was not amused by the emails sent to Kelley (which may or may not have been sent from the Gmail accounts they shared).

AUGUST/SEPTEMBER 2012: General Allen writes letters to support Jill Kelley’s sister in a custody battle.  Somewhere along the way, Gen. Allen receives an anonymous email from someone later learned to be Broadwell making comments about Jill Kelley; and according to CNN, Allen alerted Kelley and may have contacted the FBI himself.

SEPTEMBER 11, 2012: Attack on U.S. Embassy in Benghazi.

OCTOBER 26: Broadwell talks about stuff that’s not vetted regarding Benghazi. Was she telling the truth or making stuff up? We’ll never know. But hell hath no fury…

LATE OCTOBER: Out of the loop,  Shirtless FBI Guy drops a dime and blows it open, contacting a member of Congress, Republican David Reichert, who contacted Eric Cantor.

NOVEMBER: Apres l’election, le deluge.

And what a dump! It just keeps flowing like the Augean stables. And this is just the seksy stuff. Let’s look at this from the spai who  loved me perspective. (And few have done worse than Petraeus and Broadwell). Pick any of these:

1. Broadwell is a spy/plant/honey pot/firewalls/shiny object to distract from deeper Benghazi issues and of say, arm sales to Syrian mercenary insurgents in Syria, etc.

2. Broadwell is a spai who was supposed to learn stuff from Petraeus and tell her Nefarious Masters.

3. Broadwell’s sesky email account may have been known about and compromised, and used to send emails to Kelley to start this. And Broadwell’s seksy email account may have been used to send the email to Gen. Allen making comments about Jill Kelley. All of which means some long term planning. (cue James Bond theme)

4. Broadwell is a sloppy mistress (indiscreet and possessive), and Jill Kelley is a drama queen.

5. Promotional stunt for Skyfall.

6. Giant, flesh-eating, shape-shifting reptiles.

 

HT: Newsvandal, Teddy Partridge, and Dr. fFawkes for data, encouragement, spai stuff, and hand-holding.

 

68% of Registered Republicans, 49% of Registered Democrats Believe in Demonic Possession

Why wasn’t demonic possession addressed in the Presidential debates?! Demons are obviously as important an issue as low/no taxes, denying reproductive and LGBT rights, and keeping semi-automatic rifles in the hands of God (and demon) fearing Americans, since according to a  poll conducted by Public Policy Polling, 68% of registered Republican voters believe in demonic possession. And it’s not just the GOP– 49% of Democratic voters also believe that demons can possess us.

Granted, one could argue that “demons” are negative impulses, psychological aberrations, mental illness etc., but in theology demons are disincarnate entities which occupy people and places and cause all kind of havoc. However, demons can be controlled and mastered, but this should only be done by individuals with proper training, not by anyone hanging out their shingle as an exorcist-or by depressed metal heads who have played Black Sabbath records backwards one too many times.

Nutbags are all too ready to blame anything and everything they dislike, fear or can’t explain on demons, witchcraft, voodoo, curses, and related supernatural concepts (which in all fairness, I believe in some of that stuff, too, though I use Occam’s Razor,  lex parsimoniae, first, before exploring other worldly causes, since resorting to “Curses! Witchcraft!” as the go-to for everything from lost keys and flickering light bulbs to a bad date is exhausting and silly. Usually there are simple, mundane explanations for stuff).

Some major questions that should be explored regarding demonic possession: How many politicians do believers feel are possessed? Is outsourcing of jobs caused by demonic possession? Can Wall Street be exorcised? And what strange malignant force, what ancient unnamed evil controls Dick Cheney?


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