Holy Trinity! Jesus Is the New Third Party Candidate!

Ross Perot in 1992. Nader in 2000. And now in the 21st Century: JESUS FOR PRESIDENT!!!

Over 1.4 million Americans have signed a pledge to vote for Jesus on November 6th as a write-in candidate because, according to evangelist Bill Keller, founder of the Internet ministry liveprayer.com:

President Obama has proven by his words and deeds to be a true enemy of God as detailed in James 4:4. He has been the most pro-death President in history, supporting the legalized slaughter of innocent babies here and around the world, he is a staunch advocate of the radical homosexual agenda, and he has been a great friend to the enemies of Israel. On every major spiritual issue of the day, President Obama has proven to be an enemy of God and a true tool of Satan!

Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney is a 5th generation member and a priest in the satanically inspired Mormon cult. He and others in his cult LIE when they claim to be Christians, since Mormon doctrine is 100% inconsistent with Biblical Christianity and a Mormon is no more a Christian than a Muslim is. He deceives people by saying he believes in “God” and “Jesus” is his savior, when the “god” of Romney’s cult is NOT the God of the Bible, and their “jesus” is NOT the Jesus of the Bible. Romney and those in his cult believe the Bible to be a flawed and incomplete book and look at Biblical Christians as inferior and non-believers for rejecting the beliefs of their cult.

Considering Perot got just over 19 million votes (18.9% of the popular vote, but none of the electoral votes), and Nader’s 100,000 votes in Florida supposedly cost Al Gore the Presidential election,  The Son of God’s appearance in the ballot box could be a game changer for one of the parties, especially in swing states. Keller writes:

I am encouraging true followers of Jesus Christ to say NO to Satan and say YES to Jesus! This November, write in the name JESUS for President! The option will be several third party candidates. Sadly, no candidate outside of the two major parties have any chance at winning the election. So rather than vote for a third party candidate, write in the name of Jesus for President.

Your vote for JESUS is not helping President Obama get re-elected, nor is it helping Mitt Romney get elected, it is telling Satan you will not be responsible for either of his tools becoming our next President!

However those votes for Jesus won’t get Christ elected to the Oval Office, first of all because he is currently disincarnate, and in many states, write-in candidates don’t count unless the candidate has filed an affidavit, which is hard to do if you don’t have a meat suit. Other states will not count write-in votes. And then there’s that pesky issue about needing a birth certificate for proof of citizenship.

Meanwhile, Jesus’ campaign manager the Rev Keller wants us all to remember that:

If President Obama is re-elected, his anti-American, socialist policies will continue, as will his attacks on Christianity and Christian churches. He will continue to support abortion, homosexuality, the enemies of Israel…

If Mitt Romney is elected, he will be the fulfillment of his cult’s polygamist, pedophile, racist, con artist, murdering founder Joseph Smith’s “White Horse” prophecy that Romney and all Mormon’s believe. That prophecy says that the United States will facing great economic and social unrest, a Mormon will be elected President, declare a national emergency and set aside the US Constitution and enact a Mormon theocracy. That may sound impossible, but ever since he was at BYU, Romney was called by his inner circle “the chosen one” to fulfill their cult’s prophecy.

Rev. Keller’s logic for a pro-Jesus vote is simple:

Sadly, most Christians are so appalled at President Obama’s opposition to God on every major spiritual issue of the day, they are willing to put politics above souls. The justification is that Romney is the lesser of two evils. My friend, the lesser of two evils is still EVIL!

But for those who believe that this is America, where we demand and deserve the best–

 

[HT: Bruce Wilson, Talk2Action]

41 Responses to "Holy Trinity! Jesus Is the New Third Party Candidate!"
Margaret | Thursday October 25, 2012 06:35 pm 1

People are just fucking absurd.


TBogg | Thursday October 25, 2012 06:39 pm 2

If you don’t get 200 comments arguing over third party candidates, the Baby Jesus will cry.


Dearie | Thursday October 25, 2012 06:39 pm 3

Oh,my… this will certainly have the fundies’ panties in a bunch! Romney or Jesus? What to do, what to do?!?!


Peterr | Thursday October 25, 2012 06:41 pm 4

A few items from Jesus’ platform:

Food for everyone.
Free universal health care for anyone who asks.
Children, widows, foreigners, and outcasts go to the front of every line.
DOD weapons will be turned into farm machinery.
Release to those in prison.
Debt forgiveness.
Lots and lots of education.
From those with wealth, much will be required.

And the inaugural balls don’t have to worry about running out of wine.


Peterr | Thursday October 25, 2012 06:42 pm 5
In response to TBogg @ 2

Tebow for Veep?


MarkGisleson | Thursday October 25, 2012 06:45 pm 6

Damn. Sitting here in Obama-safe Minnesota, I’m tempted. I was going Jill Stein but writing in Jesus would be fun.

What a great wedge candidate! Using Jesus to peel the evangelicals back out of the GOP would be pure genius.


sadlyyes | Thursday October 25, 2012 06:45 pm 7

oh lawdy,lawd,wait till they find out Jesus was a Jew,a Rabbi to boot,heads will explode


Synoia | Thursday October 25, 2012 06:46 pm 8

And then there’s that pesky issue about needing a birth certificate for proof of citizenship.

Jesus was born a citizen of Israel. the lack of a US Birth certificate will be overlooked.


sadlyyes | Thursday October 25, 2012 06:47 pm 9
In response to Synoia @ 8

hahahahaha


Dearie | Thursday October 25, 2012 06:48 pm 10
In response to Peterr @ 5

TBogg weeps.


Alex Gordon | Thursday October 25, 2012 06:53 pm 11

I prefer that these people didn’t vote at all but if they do, Jesus is a good write-in candidate. We need to spread the word to the Bible Belt. Tell them that they will be saved.


sadlyyes | Thursday October 25, 2012 06:55 pm 12
In response to Alex Gordon @ 11

and will reap untold riches


demi | Thursday October 25, 2012 06:58 pm 13

I think this deserves a loud Bwaaa Haaaa.
And, also Selah.


bolloxref | Thursday October 25, 2012 07:08 pm 14

T

he justification is that Romney is the lesser of two evils. My friend, the lesser of two evils is still EVIL!

At least someone on the right gets this election. Two lesser evils.

= Evil


Nic108 | Thursday October 25, 2012 07:16 pm 15

God save us from faux Christians.


ottogrendel | Thursday October 25, 2012 07:21 pm 16

“Over 1.4 million Americans have signed a pledge to vote for Jesus on November 6th as a write-in candidate . . .”

What an absolutely fantastic idea! If only fifty times more voters than that would write “Jesus” on their ballots. That might very well be the greatest stunt in the history of US politics. What a coup. Can you imagine? Tens of millions of ballots for Jesus. The Reps and the Dems wouldn’t know whether to shit or wind their watches. I think I might vote for Jesus myself. The only vote not wasted is a vote for Jesus.

I know, he told Wolf Blitzer last Spring that, “My kingdom is not of this world.” But he’s been saying that for decades. Sooner or later he has got to know that his people need him.


RaggMopp | Thursday October 25, 2012 07:23 pm 17
In response to Margaret @ 1

All subsequent comments are just echos.

Bravo, Lisa, this is the most entertaining thing this evening!

The rest of you, I know, I know. It’s absolutely frivilous, but it makes me laugh.


ottogrendel | Thursday October 25, 2012 07:27 pm 18
In response to Nic108 @ 15

There are real Christian? There are people who, as their god commanded them, love their enemies as they do themselves? Who forgive all those who have done them wrong, especially godless, homicidal terrorists? Who have given away all their worldly possessions and devoted their lives to serving the poor and downtrodden? Where are these real Christians? I want names, damn it!


Dearie | Thursday October 25, 2012 07:27 pm 19

What will Bibi say?


ottogrendel | Thursday October 25, 2012 07:31 pm 20

“However those votes for Jesus won’t get Christ elected to the Oval Office, first of all because he is currently disincarnate . . .” Etc.

Oh, ye of little faith! Jesus can raise the dead, and if his followers have faith even the size of a mustard seed they can command mountains to move. Certainly, Jesus and his minions can conjure up such trivialities as a meat suit and a birth certificate.


RaggMopp | Thursday October 25, 2012 07:33 pm 21
In response to ottogrendel @ 20

What’s a meat suit?


Twain | Thursday October 25, 2012 07:35 pm 22

Won’t it be great if all these dimwits vote for Jesus! Lost votes for Mitt and the Rs must be having a fit.


tammanytiger | Thursday October 25, 2012 07:37 pm 23

If elected Jesus would be the first never-married president since James Buchanan.


ottogrendel | Thursday October 25, 2012 07:39 pm 24
In response to RaggMopp @ 21

It’s a body. Derrick used the term in her third paragraph. I’d never heard it before. Brilliant! I’ll have to use next time I’m at some lame work function trying to make small talk.


ottogrendel | Thursday October 25, 2012 07:48 pm 25
In response to tammanytiger @ 23

The first bachelor, the first Jew, the first Middle Easterner, the first zombie, the first professional magician, the first radical socialist, and possibly the first bi-sexual–if one is to combine his last temptation with the Biblical descriptions of his interactions with his disciples.


RaggMopp | Thursday October 25, 2012 07:54 pm 26
In response to ottogrendel @ 25

…with his “beloved” disciple…


tammanytiger | Thursday October 25, 2012 08:06 pm 27
In response to ottogrendel @ 25

And I suspect he would be underfunded.


cwaltz | Thursday October 25, 2012 08:56 pm 28

I guess Rev. Keller is anxious to get the Rapture going. I’m pretty sure that’s what the Bible says happens if He were to show up to claim the Presidency. *shakes head*


ottogrendel | Thursday October 25, 2012 09:08 pm 29
In response to RaggMopp @ 26

There sure seems to have been a lot of laying one’s head on the other’s bosom. kissing and feet washing going on.


ottogrendel | Thursday October 25, 2012 09:12 pm 30
In response to tammanytiger @ 27

Oh, no. He will turn two ones and five fivers into an overflowing campaign war chest. Enough to outspend the Dems and Reps on TV ad time twice over. Plus he would have his moonshining revenue.


marymccurnin | Thursday October 25, 2012 10:31 pm 31

But, but what if Jesus wins?!


nixonclinbushbama | Thursday October 25, 2012 11:00 pm 32
In response to Peterr @ 4

Please don’t put words in Jesus’s mouth.

Our unemployment problem is severe enough without putting Pat Robertson out of a job.


nixonclinbushbama | Thursday October 25, 2012 11:24 pm 33

The Constitution of the United States, Article II, Section 1 provides, in pertinent part:

No person except a natural born Citizen, or a Citizen of the United States, at the time of the Adoption of this Constitution, shall be eligible to the Office of President; neither shall any Person be eligible to that Office who shall not have attained to the Age of thirty-five Years, and been fourteen Years a Resident within the United States.

He was not born in the U.S. or naturalized and he died before reaching the age of 35.

The loopholes here are”

(1)Jesus was God in human form and therefore not a person. The Constitution is silent on whether God is eligible to be President and therefore open to interpretation on that point. I don’t know how or if God as President would mesh with the whole separation of church and state thing, though. But, no one pays attention to that anyway.

(2) And there is that eternal life thing, which may take care of his having died at 33. Also, he is omnipresent everywhere simultaneously. Therefore, he was in this land at the time of his birth. He was also living in the U.S., as well as everywhere else, at the time that the Constitution was adopted. Another provision of the Constitution said that every resident of the U.S. at the time the Constitution was adopted was automatically a citizen.

(3) Although he was crucified and speared to death a couple of millenia ago, he has sat at the right hand of his father in heaven ever since (minus a few appearances to Thomas and others after his crucifixion.

Inasmuch as the Framers left the matter of God as President open to interpetation, Jesus, being now anywhere from 2000 years old to infinity, depending on how you view the Holy Trinity. And both 2000 and infinity are greater than 35.

For all the reasons stated above, I opine that Jesus qualifies to be President of the United States.

I strongly favor writing in Jesus over voting for Willard Mitt Romney.


nixonclinbushbama | Thursday October 25, 2012 11:28 pm 34
In response to ottogrendel @ 25

Not really. Abe Lincoln was married with children, but they don’t call themselves Log Cabin Republicans for nothing.


ottogrendel | Thursday October 25, 2012 11:46 pm 35
In response to nixonclinbushbama @ 33

HA! :)


ottogrendel | Thursday October 25, 2012 11:47 pm 36
In response to nixonclinbushbama @ 34

The operative word: Temptation.


nixonclinbushbama | Friday October 26, 2012 04:37 am 37
In response to ottogrendel @ 36

Not sure I understand your response?.

My point was that, whether Jesus succumbed to temptation or not, Jesus would not be our first bi-sexual President because Abe Lincoln seems to have that spot covered, at least if all the rumors about Honest Abe are true.


ottogrendel | Friday October 26, 2012 08:12 am 38
In response to nixonclinbushbama @ 37

Oh, I see your point. My bad. It was me that didn’t understand.


gannonguckert | Friday October 26, 2012 10:36 am 39

Dear God, I am so poor. And I am so tired. But now I see the light.

I’m going to start AmericansForPresidentJesus.com, and just run a few, unobtrusive, text-only ad boxes (incontinence supplies, ammunition)on the side.

I will make untold millions.


shaharazade | Friday October 26, 2012 04:35 pm 40
In response to Peterr @ 4

and the money changers out of the temple in DC. Sounds like a platform I could vote for.


jeffc | Monday October 29, 2012 07:05 am 41

It’s about friggin’ time we had an anti-corporate, long-haired progressive teacher/healer/mystic running for president. I wish he had declared before I sent in my early vote. The fundies’ heads would explode if they found out he was really a left-wing community organizer, ha.


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