Obama Better Able to Handle Space Aliens Than Romney, Say Majority of Americans

Nearly two-thirds of Americans surveyed by National Geographic TV think that President Barack Obama would be better able to handle an alien invasion (oh noes, watch out for the 4th or 5th Marcab Invader Fleet!) than putative Republican nominee Mitt Romney.

More than two in three (68%) women say that Obama would be more adept at dealing with an alien invasion than Romney, vs. 61 percent of men. And more younger citizens, ages 18 to 64 years, than those aged 65+ (68% vs. 50%) think Romney would not be as well-suited as Obama to handle an alien invasion.

(No word as to which candidate would be more effective during a zombie apocalypse.)

We’ll just have to wait and see who The Alien endorses in Weekly World News. In 2008 he floofed his goof, backing John McCain, the first time his favored candidate lost.

Late Night: Rainbows and Oreos

 

I love Oreos, most specifically the traditional single filled ones that come in the bigger bags (the small snack pack bags have a different creme texture, closer to a Hydrox–not to be confused with the hyrax, the small herbivore mammal of Africa, which is neither a rodent nor a cookie), though I do think the glow in the dark ones are quite nifty. The strawberry ones totally suck. and the chocolate-filled ones are just wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

I love Oreos, now celebrating their 100th anniversary, even more because they put out this image as the the first in a series of 100 “current event” promos as part of recognizing their centenary. In fact I may go buy a bag tonight, GMO or not, because naturally the sandy-pantied homo-haters have gotten all het up over this on Oreo’s Facebook page. Some recent comments:

Love between Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve….I love Oreo’s that does not mean I won’t boycot a oreo because I don’t agree with there Gay Pride add. That cookie looks like a quad stuffed oreo. Love to all….

No more oreos will ever be placed in my shopping cart!

And of course some morans are calling for not only a boycott of Oreos, but also of all Kraft products-bought at retailers which have a visible presence at Pride events and are making an effort (either cynically for profit or sincerely because the times and minds, they are a changin’) to show their support of LGBT. Time to grow your own food, nasty meanie bigots. Just means more cookies for us.

Mom why can’t we have Cheez-Whiz?

Because of the homosekshull agender

And just to show you what the haters will be missing, here’s a recipe for Kraft rainbow Jell-o with Cool Whip from Glorious Treats:

You’ll need one small box of jello for each color you want… so in this case, red, orange, yellow, green, blue, and purple. And one large tub of cool whip.

Prepare purple (or whatever color you want on the bottom) jello as directed, using the “quick chill” method, meaning add some ice. Pour jello into glasses, (or a 9′x13′ baking dish sprayed lightly with cooking spray), reserving about 1/3 of the liquid jello. Put glasses, or dish in the refrigerator and chill for 15-30 minutes, or until slightly set. Mix about 1/3 cup of cool whip into the remaining purple jello. Pour the jello/cool whip mixture on top of the slightly set purple jello already in the glasses (or dish).

Repeat process for each color.

Once set, top with some additional cool whip and sprinkles if desired.

Now I’d like some help coming up with featured Kraft powder astronaut orange drink. I want to call it the PoonTang.

 

HT: Gawker

Dr. Scout Responds to Haters Re: White House Marriage Proposal


At last week’s White House LGBT Pride Reception, before President Obama walked in, Dr. Scout, director of Network for LGBT Health Equity at The Fenway Institute, dropped to one knee and proposed to his girlfriend, Liz Margolies, executive director of the National LGBT Cancer Network. Liz said yes. Videos of the their proposal were posted online, and while most people were joyful for the couple, there were some (uptight conservatives and bigots) who weren’t so nice. Why would these morans get all sandy-pantied over a marriage proposal at the White House?

Scout is transgender, and legally male. Weirdly, the same people who hate the idea of marriage equality also don’t want transpeople to marry when it’s “opposite marriage,” to quote mouth breather pin-up girl Carrie Prejean.

Scout, who had spent about a year planning the White House reception (and the marriage proposal), posted a wonderfully elegant and genuine video addressing the hateful remarks. Now if he’ll only tell us where they’re registered!

Congratulations Scout and Liz!

Late Nite: Nun Sense!

I love nuns. I think it began when I was seven and my aunt told me that

Get thee to a nunnery

was one of Shakespeare’s jokes, and it was a ye olden slang term for bordello, as well as a place where nuns live.

When Vatican 2 hit, it changed nuns. They became hip, like Mary Tyler Moore in that movie with Elvis Presley (it sucked, IMO). And of course The Flying Nun.

Recently nuns have been getting grief from the Vatican for being outspoken.

No uppity nuns!

shrilled the churchmen.

But nuns are rad. Or as Colbert said,

Radical feminists

Now the group of Catholic Sisters calling themselves Nuns on the Bus have kicked off their tour, though on their fist stop in Ames, Iowa, Republican (and Catholic) Congressman Steve King fled in terror:

leaving a small typed note taped on the door of his newly opened Ames office that said he was meeting with voters across his newly redrawn Iowa 4th Congressional District.

The nuns want to let elected officials know the wretched impact Senator Paul Ryan’s budget plan would have if it passes. But it looks like little Stevie was scared and ran off, leaving nary a staffer to be hospitable to the sisters. I hope he confesses his cowardice and inhospitality, and his priest gives him 30 full rosaries for being a chicken.

There’s a Vagina in the House: Lawmaker Banned For Saying “Vagina” in MI Speech

Vagina. It’s in the dictionary. But apparently you can’t use that three syllable medical term in the Michigan House of Representatives. Rep. Lisa Brown was silenced with a gavel by the House Speaker for

violating the decorum of the House

during her speech Wednesday  against legislation that would place new regulations on abortion providers, as well as  prohibiting abortions after 20 weeks. Rep Brown said:

I’m flattered that you’re all so interested my vagina, but ‘no’ means ‘no.’

Yes. You read correctly Brown was silenced Wednesday for using

vagina

instead of any number of euphemistic or slang terms like altar of hymen, antipodes, beaver, box, coochie, crumpet, dearest bodily part, divine monosyllable, ell-skinner, Eve’s customs-house, fig, fountain of love, gash, gynee, hoohah, honeypot, ineffable, ivory gate, jamjar, jigamabob, keyhole, kitchen-kitty,  lady-flower, love’s fountain, money-maker, muff, nature’s tufted treasure, nether-eye, oracle, oyster, pleasure palace, pussy, quim, quoniam, robjack, road-to-pleasure, sallyport,  snatch, thing, twat, unmentionable, under-dimple, va-jayjay, vulva, what-and-where, womanhood, you-know-what,  yumyum, z-gallery, or zesty place.

She didn’t say the C-word. She used a medical term: Vagina.  However, Rep. Mike Callton commented:

What she said was offensive. It was so offensive, I don’t even want to say it in front of women. I would not say that in mixed company.

Wait, whut? Here are lawmakers about to legislate about something involving (cover your eyes) vaginas and penises, and how those vaginas and related parts which were affected by penises and ejaculate should be treated, and they can’t even say or hear the word vagina? Oh holy of holy holes, how the heck do these fellows explain reproduction to their children? If Rep Callton won’t say

vagina

in mixed company, does that mean he uses the word with his male pals? That they all talk about vaginas? And since when are women so delicate they can’t hear or speak the medical term for a part of their own bodies? Vagina. Vagina. Vagina. Vagina. Say it loud, we’re here and proud. Vagina.
Ari Adler, spokesman for the Republican majority said that

Majority Floor Leader Jim Stamas had determined Brown’s comments violated the decorum of the House.

The House majority in Michigan is Republican. Brown is a Democrat. And has a vagina. Thursday House Republicans would not  allow Brown to speak  on a school employee retirement bill.
Vagina.

You’re Doing It Wrong > 9000: RNCLatino Outreach Site Full of Spam and Epic Fail

Gods Bless America! If this wasn’t the GOP, I’d swear these folks are high. The website RNCLatino.com, designed as outreach to Hispanic voters, used a photo of children found on Shutterstock.com with the following tags:

activity, asia, asian, cheeks, children, cool, cute, enjoy, expression, friend, friendship, funny, future, gang, grass, group, happy, humor, interracial, japanese, joy, jump, kid, link, love, park, people, person, play, poor, relax, sleep, small, smile, social, spring, student, study, summer, sweet, thailand, together, trendy, union, united, young, youth

Yup, Asian, Japanese and Thailand. Also poor.

The picture has since been taken down, and RNC spokeswoman Kirsten Kukowski explained:

An outside vendor developed the site and it has been corrected.

Sadly, the RNC also took down this hilarious blog from the site:

Indiscriminate locks the loss is among the nagging wellbeing dangers we endure from while in the current time…You can deal with this difficulty nicely once you are mindful concerning the roots from the primary problem. Precisely, it might be simpler for you personally to realize the fundamentals how you can avoid locks the loss in women, once you know the principal aspects accountable for this happening. understanding these aspects would make you conscious to adhere through the treatments fundamental for locks fall control.

In its place? A series of ads for pharmaceuticals, including Darifenacin which is used to control overactive bladders. Srsly, hackers couldn’t have done a better job on this moran site.  Internets, they just aren’t safe for the RNC.

 

HT: Think Progress

Late Night: Is Your Cat Registered to Vote? Rick Scott Wants to Know

 

Governor Rick Scott filed a lawsuit against the Obama Administration over access to a database that the Florida Secretary of State believes will provide more accurate information on the citizenship status of Florida voters, though the DHS says looking at the database isn’t gonna help him in his cockamamie hunt for ee–lee-gull voters. Here’s what Florida’s governor is spewing to justify his suing–and even Fox’s Neil Cavuto seemed awestruck by the insanity:

The Florida’s Secretary of State office will be filing a lawsuit against the Department of Homeland Security to give us that database.We want to have fair, honest elections in our state and so we have been put in a position that we have to sue the federal government to get this information.

Okay, Rick, we get it. In Florida, cats can’t vote. In fact, no matter where you live, cats can’t vote. Not even Mr. Bruce.

Mormon’s Secret: Get Into Mitt’s Pants!

Mitt Romney’s secretive attitude towards the press and public is no secret, and nor is his special underwear. And while reporters may not get to ride on Mitt’s magic bus, now thanks to the folks at Mormon’s Secret,  even we gentiles can experience a briefing à la Mitt:

Want authentic Magical Mormon Underwear made from a futuristic lightweight nylon that feels magical and looks otherworldly? We’ve got you covered. The top parts of Magical Mormon Underwear have masonic symbols hand-stitched into the fabric, and are superlatively comfortable.

Yes, these are authentic Magical Mormon Underwear, made the old fashioned way with modern fabrics:

The ancestors of Team Mahonri Moriancumer designed and fabricated the very first Mormon temple garments in 1842. Each of us are related to one or more of the original members of the Quorum of the Twelve Seamsters, a secretive but important group in early Mormon history. Our genealogy clearly shows that by May of 2012, our families will have been directing the creation and production of magical Mormon underwear for 170 years. You could say this particular Mormon secret is a family secret.

Since we’ve been at this for a long time, we know a thing or two about these special undies. From the hand stitched masonic symbols, to the careful inspection of each garment, we care about the craftsmanship of this magical product. As a bonus, we’re including special ceremonial instructions on wearing them “correctly,” to ensure the most magical experience possible. These are the same ceremonial instructions given to Mormons putting them on for the first time during a masonic ritual in Mormon temples. Along with these instructions, we have included information about their maintenance, to ensure they retain their magical properties.

And even better?! What’s your favorite four-letter word? Yes, that’s right: Mormon’s Secret is having a sale!

Everybody Wants to Say “I Do”

 

This catchy country wedding song by Town and Country Band is a reminder that June, while traditionally being the month for weddings, is LGBT Pride Month. Wouldn’t it be nice if all those people who wanted to say “I do” were legally allowed to so?

And while we’re on the subject, JC Penney just released a new ad bound to upset that “organization” One Million Moms, which my colleague Teddy Partridge pointed out is

actually some dudes on Facebook who hate homosexuality with an astonishingly acute blazing hatred and get money from a SPLC-designated hate group to pursue their all-consuming hatred that’s garnered such incredible success

Gods, how I love Teddy’s sarcasm.  That Starbuck’s boycott was beyond an epic fail. Anyway, the JC Penney ad is a full on neener nose thumb at the sandy-panties and features

real-life dads Todd Koch and Cooper Smith with their children, Claire and Mason.

Now wouldn’t it be nice if unwed parents could legally get married?

 

HT: Joe My God, Gawker


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