Wikileaks has threatened to reveal the top secret methods NORAD uses to track Santa Claus across the globe and also claims to have the documentation about who Santa really is, how he fits down the chimneys, what he does if you don’t have a chimney, and most shockingly, how exactly Santa knows if you’ve been naughty or nice.

An unnamed government official, speaking on the condition of anonymity, though denying s/he is part of Anonymous, says that these revelations could spark a huge global unrest and provoke children worldwide into an uprising against their parents, while potentially driving major retailers and multinational neo-feudal states like WalMart, Target and IKEA into bankruptcy as well as undermining the economies and manufacturing bases of countries like China.

If the truth about Santa comes out, we’re fucked!

said the official while stuffing lumps of coal in Administration staffers stockings.