Sasha Grey, the 2008 recipient of the AVN “Best Oral Sex Scene” award, who volunteered for  Read Across America Compton in 2011 and caused a furor when it came out that the porn star (gulp!) had read books to first and third graders—is featured in this (parody) recruiting ad for the NSA.  Considering how cash strapped the US is, maybe the National Security Agency should charge $2.99 a minute to listen in!

I wish I could come up with a way to link this to the Texas masturbating male fetuses, but it’s just too yucky! CANNOT UNTHINK!! And this man is a doctor? An ob-gyn? As well as a law maker?!

Representative Michael Burgess (R-TX) on Monday asserted that he witnessed male fetuses pleasuring themselves as early as 15-weeks after conception.

But not the girls? Weird.Creepy.

Maybe the dolphin birth couple Adam Barrington, 29, and his pregnant wife Heather, 27– who told the Charlotte Observer that the dolphin-assisted birth will bring ‘peace, comfort and strength’ to the mother and her baby during birth–will get an assist from Fappy, the Anti-Masturbation Dophin

Can’t you see you’re not making Christianity any better; you’re just making rock ‘n roll worse – Hank Hill

What. The. Fuuuuuu….? Born-again fundamentalist Christian folk singer Michelle Shocked who managed to really piss off her fans, gay, bi and straight with a confusing, confused, homophobic rant earlier this year is  playing a free concert, sponsored by the  San Francisco Examiner. On the last day of Pride.

SF Examiner president  Todd Vogt–who in 2011 blew into SF via Canada, bought the Examiner then bought  and subsequently eviscerated the San Francisco Bay Guardian and the SF Weekly–trollingly tweeted

In March, Shocked held forth from the stage at Yoshi’s in San Francisco:

Things started to fall apart for the singer during her second set, which she said was “all about reality.” She immediately began a rant that left the audience stunned. She said she was tired of Christians hiding behind the cross. “When they stop Prop 8 and force priests at gunpoint to marry gays, it will be the downfall of civilization and Jesus will come back,” she said. Loud gasps were heard from the audience. Many fans walked out. “I believe the Bible is the word of God,” Shocked continued. More audience gasps were heard. More fans exited and some shouted pro-gay sentiments including “Gays deserve to marry,” “That is a rotten and horrible thing to say,” “Jesus loves people,” and “Don’t bash people for who they are.” One woman shouted: “Don’t say that shit in San Francisco.” Shocked replied, “Where do I go to say it?”

Public outrage resulted in her tour being canceled. Shocked later back-pedaled and said she wasn’t homophobic, she was just um, you know joking:

“I do not, nor have I ever, said or believed that God hates homosexuals (or anyone else). I said that some of His followers believe that. [I was] predicting the absurd way my description of, my apology for, the intolerant would no doubt be misinterpreted.

Actually when discussing church leaders’ opposition to marriage equality, Shocked said:

from their vantage point–and I really shouldn’t say their, because it’s mine too—

so it’s pretty clear she feels the repeal of Prop 8 is the beginning of the End Times and that ministers would be forced to marry homosexual couples at gun point. And something about Chinese water torture.

Michelle Shocked is being exploited, pure and simple, by Vogt and his paper. He hasn’t announced where the concert will be held (and really, what venue would host that?).  Perhaps a protest in front of the Examiner office decrying the exploitation of the mentally ill is in order, since Shocked seems far from stable during and after her rant, delivering a very weird interview with Nicole Sandler, mainly via Twitter (starting at 1:30 on the tape), then appearing in front of a San Jose club where her show was canceled,with  tape across her mouth that said “Silenced By Fear.” Her Piers Morgan interview was pretty much nuts, too.

Vogt then tweeted that details about Shocked concert would follow in his three papers. Papers who may find themselves very short on ads, because there’s rumblings of an advertiser boycott.

Vogt responded to Belerico Project‘s post with this:

HT: Bilerico Project, Joe.My.God.
 

Celebrities talk a lot about stuff–and sometimes about stuff they don’t really know much about. But five years ago, as a guest on Tonight Show with Jay Leno, actor Shia LaBeouf brought up something that seems far more important now than it did then–and maybe we should have paid attention.

LaBeouf was discussing his experiences filming Eagle Eye, a thriller about

a young man and a single mother who are brought together and coerced by an anonymous caller into carrying out a plan by a possible terrorist organization.

The film had an FBI consultant. The consultant, according to LeBeouf,  told him that home alarm monitors could be turned on to monitor households, and that cars could be shutdown using OnStar. And that one in five phone calls were recorded by the government. To prove the point, LaBeouf continued, the FBI consultant played back a call the actor had made two years earlier, before he was associated with the picture,

one of those what are you are wearing type of things.

Okay that is creepy. But wow, they must have gotten really close for the consultant to show him all that spai stuff.

According to IMDBpro, the FBI technical consultant on Eagle Eye was Thomas Knowles. A quick Google search shows that Knowles retired from the FBI in 2006, and in 2009

joined the Board of Directors of Continental Prison Systems, Inc. (Pink Sheets:CPSZ), and its operating division called EZ Card & Kiosk, which provides the “cashless jail” solution to city and county jails around the US. Mr. Knowles, who retired from the FBI in 2006, brings superior organizational, analytical and exceptional decisiveness and problem-solving skills to the company….

In 1985, Mr. Knowles began his FBI career, with assignments in Oklahoma, Los Angeles, Sacramento, Athens, Greece, Kandahar, Afghanistan and the FBI Headquarters Office in Washington, D.C. While with the FBI, Mr. Knowles pursued investigations in violent crime matters such as drugs, kidnappings, bank robberies and organized crime, before transferring to the International Terrorism Division just prior to the first bombing of the World Trade Center Towers in February of 1993. He then continued his work in terrorism matters both living and working assignments in Greece, the Middle East and the former Soviet Republic break-away states, before returning to FBI Headquarters as Chief of the International Operations Section responsible for FBI international offices. He retired from the FBI after managing a joint law enforcement terrorism task force, yet remains actively involved in the fight against both international and domestic terrorists.

Eagle Eye is the only film for which he has been credited as consultant.

Pope Francis has admitted there’s a secret in the Vatican, and it’s not some really cool way to conjure demons like the Grimoire of Pope Honorius. Nope, it’s a secret room he’s just discovered! The Pope says:

There is talk of a ‘gay lobby’ and it’s true, it exists. We have to see what can be done.

Redecorate?

New science is showing that, oh, about 3.5 million years ago early human species like Australopithecus afarensis and Kenyanthropus platyops became more adventurous eaters, switching from a diet of leaves and fruits from trees, shrubs, and herbs to a more varied selection featuring grasses, sedges and succulent plants — or on animals that ate those plants. Zeresenay Alemseged, senior curator and chair of anthropology at the California Academy of Sciences, explains:

What we have is chemical information on what our ancestors ate, which in simpler terms is like a piece of food item stuck between their teeth and preserved for millions of years.

In an earlier paper, Alemseged and his team discussed finding tools for meat consumption dating back 3.4 million years ago.

So heck, what will future anthropologists think when they find discarded plastic buckets of dehydrated carrot powder, freeze dried strawberries, and “Salba” ? ( Salba chia is “the trademark name (brand) for the registered varieties of Salvia Hispanic L. – Sahi Alba 911 and Sahi Alba 912 – the only two registered varieties in the world”). A good guess might be that these people were crazy.  And they may well be–because, as Newsvandal.com reports, these are what the faithful followers of Jim Bakker get if they send a “love offering” to the newlywed Jim Bakker, who has, you know, done his time and repented.

So, emulating the classic Christian motif, Jim has done his time and he’s risen again to take to the airwaves. Now re-married to another bubbly-blonde co-host, he’s once-again spreading the word of God.

Well, he’s willing to spread the word of God, if you are willing to spread his “favorite” soy-nut butter.

That’s just one of the hard bargains Jim’s driving in his new incarnation as survivalist food pitchman. In fact, Jim’s got a whole catalog of foodstuffs that he is willing to “give” you as a “thank you” in return for your “love gift” to his “ministry.”

Forget those bland, chintzy wafers the Catholics are handing out. The menu for your “gift” of “love” can be quite tasty. And remunerative.

Jesus turned water into wine for free, but Jim is turning it into carrot juice for $35.00.

Forget loaves and fishes. How about chips and salsa? It only “costs” $65.00 to feed the multitudes (at your next Super Bowl party).

Yes, miracles are hard to come by, but your “act of love” will bring back a sampler box of Jim’s favorite miracle food—“Salba”—for a mere $100.00…

Now, this proposition may seem decidedly outside the generally-accepted practice of “religion” and, more directly, in violation of the highly profitable tax exemption afforded to various practitioners of the “spiritual arts” here in the good ol’ US of A. But fret not, oh ye of little faith—there is a “religious” connection to this de facto supermarket Jim’s running via a website and daily television show. You see, all this food is meant to prepare you for the days of woe foretold in the Book of Revelations.

This is not a simple matter of exchanging your “love” for “thank you” gifts.

No, Jim’s food is designed to prepare you for the End of the World as we know it. But you and your family will feel fine. Or, at the very least, you will face the coming of the Antichrist on a full stomach.

Golly Mr. Dryden, you’re my favorite teacher!

John Dryden, a high school teacher in Batavia, Illinois is in hot water for teaching his students about their rights, and for putting that lesson into action by informing students of their Fifth Amendment rights in connection with a survey asking about illegal drug use. The survey was ostensibly aimed at assessing the needs of students at Batavia High School except it asked about illegal drug use and students’ names were on each form! What’s a cool teacher to do?

Dryden, who had just finished teaching a unit on the Bill of Rights, worried that students might feel obliged to incriminate themselves—an especially ticklish situation given the police officer stationed at the school. Since there was no time to confer with administrators, he says, he decided to tell his students that they did not have to complete the forms if doing so involved admitting illegal behavior.

He facing disciplinary action and

The Batavia Daily Herald reports that “Dryden faces having a ‘letter of remedy’ placed in his employment file,” which “could have consequences up to dismissal.” Dryden’s supporters are collecting signatures on a petition asking the board to refrain from disciplining him.

This weekend brings brings two great America traditions to a head:  Barbecue and Liberace. Steven Soderbergh’s (possibly) final film, Behind the Candelabra airs on Sunday night, the eve of Monday’s eruption of charring ecstasy. My grandmother loved Liberace and watched him weekly;  I thought he was fascinatingly creepy, a vibe was only heightened by his appearance on Batman.

Years later I had the pleasure of visiting the Liberace Museum in Las Vegas (twice!), now sadly closed, a victim of the failing economy. It was jawdroppingly, eyepoppingly over the top.

What will you be doing for Memorial Day? Do you have a fave bbq recipe? And what about that Liberace?

The latest out of Moscow is really embarrassing. Had someone at the embassy or in the FSB [Russia's Federal Security Service] been watching FX’s Reagan-era spy melodrama The Americans and actually thought this would work? It’s hard to believe even thirty years ago those wigs would have passed, but today? Come on, really?

I feel like Ryan Christopher Fogle was set up in some weird Craigslist sex hustle:

Show up on this corner in a blond wig…

and the rest of the stuff was staged.

What’s your favorite spy movie?

Happy Walpurgisnacht!

Are you clutching your pearls? Quick get out the smelling salts:

You will be shocked when you view American Life League’s latest video report.  Directed toward adults only, the report Hooking Kids on Sex contains jolting, unedited pictures from Planned Parenthood’s community efforts to indoctrinate children and teens into a sick culture of sex. This report is not for the faint of heart.  It is, however, a long-overdue wake up call.

Oh and why the jobs number are so low:  We’re all on drugs. Or hooked on sex. Or on the internet.

Or flying on your broomstick!

Quick, turn to CSPAN!

Conan O’Brian hosting. Attendees like Kevin Spacey, Barbra Streisand, Scarlett Johansson, Nicole Kidman, Steven Spielberg, Jon Bon Jovi, and Sigourney Weaver. And a 20 lb swag bag stuffed with goodies. What is this, the Oscars?

Nope, it’s the increasingly popular “nerd prom”, the White House Correspondents Dinner where  the press gets to um…why does it exist really?  Well, it’s a fundraiser. And the President shows up and makes some jokes about his fellow politicians who are also in attendance and everyone eats a fancy meal. And the correspondents feel like they have power and influence -especially if they are lucky enough to bring a celebrity as a guest, or get a shout out from POTUS.

Here’s what’s in the 20 lb goodie bag, sponsored by Time and People magazines (copies of which are thankfully included):

Alba Botanica, Alex and Ani, California Baby, C Wonder, Demeter Fragrance, Eastern Collective, Edge Shave Gel, Georgetown Cupcake, GoGo squeeZ, GoMarco In., Good Karmal, Grooming Lounge, Happy Socks, Herban Essentials, illy issimo, Incase, JASON, John Masters Organics, Justin’s, KIND Healthy Snacks, Kusmi Tea, LeSportsac (the bag itself), L’Oreal Paris, MADHOUSE by Michael Aram, Manduka, Neuro Drinks, Peeled Snacks, Pirate’s Booty, Praim Gorup, Preserve Products, PRITI NYC, Purely Elizabeth, Quinn Popcorn, Red Bull, Revision Skincare, RUSK, SAMY FAT HAIR, Sara Kety Baby, Schick, Scholastic, Sheila G’s Brownie Brittle, Somersault Snack Co., SpaRitual, Starbucks, Stila, Supersmile, TableTopics, Taza Chocolate, Theo Chocolate, Toyota (alas, a mug, not a car), Twistband, Urbanhalo Headbands, VEGA, Weleda.

What’s missing? Um, knee pads?

So pull up your unsponsored snack food item of choice, and let’s live blog this lame duck White House Correspondents dinner. It will certainly have some zingers, though let’s face it, ours here will be funnier.